Well, I originally started this blog to post a book outline but realized today that things happen every day that are age related. I have this condition, Raynauds Syndrome, that causes the tip of my index finger to go white and it is kind of scary. In one of my hypochondriacs handbooks, I thought it said that it could be nothing or very serious. So today it went numb a few times forcing me to look it up again. Upon a second reading, it is only serious if it is the result of another condition.
The bonus to looking this up again is that Raynauds is common among younger women!! Yay for diseases of the young!!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
CHAPTER 16: SHE'LL BE OLD IN NO TIME!
Remember when Kate Moss and Claudia Schiffer were hot new teen models? Now they’ve crossed the 25-year mark and have teen models of their own to envy! That’s comforting.
This chapter contains uplifting and inspirational thoughts like, “After we die, chances are our spiritual bodies won’t have wrinkles or require plastic surgery or change in any way, shape, or form by the forces of gravity.” (I hope)
You Were Born In the 1900’s?
This is a comfort that someday, even babies I know today will be asked this question incredulously by someone younger, born after the year 2000. And it reminds me that although people alive now have ages within a 100-year range, we’re all at least alive at the same time!
Like I remember watching the gorgeous Tia Carara (or some name like that, she was the hot band chick and love interest in the movie “Wayne’s World”) when questioned by a reporter about what she was doing when some significant event took place in 1977, saying, “I was a fetus.” At the time, I wanted to make her go away, but now I realize she’s already out of that tiny window of age comfort and cockiness. She’s probably well into cosmetic surgery procedures already. The point being, it’s comforting to watch other people’s years pass them by too, after yours have gone.
This chapter contains uplifting and inspirational thoughts like, “After we die, chances are our spiritual bodies won’t have wrinkles or require plastic surgery or change in any way, shape, or form by the forces of gravity.” (I hope)
You Were Born In the 1900’s?
This is a comfort that someday, even babies I know today will be asked this question incredulously by someone younger, born after the year 2000. And it reminds me that although people alive now have ages within a 100-year range, we’re all at least alive at the same time!
Like I remember watching the gorgeous Tia Carara (or some name like that, she was the hot band chick and love interest in the movie “Wayne’s World”) when questioned by a reporter about what she was doing when some significant event took place in 1977, saying, “I was a fetus.” At the time, I wanted to make her go away, but now I realize she’s already out of that tiny window of age comfort and cockiness. She’s probably well into cosmetic surgery procedures already. The point being, it’s comforting to watch other people’s years pass them by too, after yours have gone.
CHAPTER 15: CHILDREN: HELP OR HINDRANCE IN DENYING ONE’S AGE?
Readers with children will learn how to use adjectives cleverly in order to confuse others who are trying to ADD the age of the child in question, to the suspected age of the reader, at the estimated age the reader gave birth. For example, adjectives like, “the baby” or “toddler”* are helpful Deflections.
* Toddler is one of those great words: I was just a toddler! As an adjective, this can be used up until 16. It means a small child, but maybe you were small until the age of 16!
Children talking too much?
The first and obvious advice of this chapter is don’t tell your age to your children, they will tell anyone they talk to! The second piece of advice is have children when you are older. Why?
Because people have a built in age calculator. Children facilitate the calculator. I’ll explain. The average age of a woman on her wedding day is 27.5*. If you have a child, people will add the age of the child to 27.5. If a person knows you waited six years before having a child, they factor that into the equation too. But the child serves as a hard number in a sea of unknown variables.
But, good news, you can use your child to your advantage! As I said, just have the children when you are older. If it’s too late for that just refer to the child as your husband’s daughter. She is, after all. Then imply that your husband is much older than you. And voila, you are the young step mom! Think Michael Landon, Hugh Heffner, men who marry women younger than their own daughters. It may be obvious that your husband is not that much older than you but who cares! Only a total clod would question you about such a sensitive subject as your husband’s life before you.
An added assurance that no one will question you about that is to allow a look to glide over your face that tells your listener any further discussion on this will cause me to sob uncontrollably, fly into a rage or kill you.
Then as I will tell you many times, quickly get off the subject. But beware of sneaky secondary questions. Questions like, “How old were you when you got married? How old were you when you had the baby? Or they’ll ask talk about significant events hoping you’ll say something like, “Of course I remember when war was declared against Iraq, it was during my high school graduation ceremony!”
* I actually don’t know if that statistic is accurate, but it serves to make my point so I’m sticking to it.
Without children of your own, it is easy to pretend you’re younger than you are. For example, I do not have any children. Children give people a better way to calculate your age, by adding the age of the child to the approximate age you were when you got married (if the marriage was sudden). Throw in a year for the honeymoon year if the couple didn't know each other long before marriage. Or just add the age of the child to the estimated age the mother had the child, there are so many ways to figure that out. If you trust your child enough to reveal your age, you might as well put an ad in the paper with your age on; the child does not understand privacy until the early teens. You get the picture; we've all done it.
Much as I love children, this is something I appreciate about not having them. I have five brothers and sisters and four of them have children. My ten nieces and nephews range in age from newborn to – big! In fact I've started lying about their ages.
* Toddler is one of those great words: I was just a toddler! As an adjective, this can be used up until 16. It means a small child, but maybe you were small until the age of 16!
Children talking too much?
The first and obvious advice of this chapter is don’t tell your age to your children, they will tell anyone they talk to! The second piece of advice is have children when you are older. Why?
Because people have a built in age calculator. Children facilitate the calculator. I’ll explain. The average age of a woman on her wedding day is 27.5*. If you have a child, people will add the age of the child to 27.5. If a person knows you waited six years before having a child, they factor that into the equation too. But the child serves as a hard number in a sea of unknown variables.
But, good news, you can use your child to your advantage! As I said, just have the children when you are older. If it’s too late for that just refer to the child as your husband’s daughter. She is, after all. Then imply that your husband is much older than you. And voila, you are the young step mom! Think Michael Landon, Hugh Heffner, men who marry women younger than their own daughters. It may be obvious that your husband is not that much older than you but who cares! Only a total clod would question you about such a sensitive subject as your husband’s life before you.
An added assurance that no one will question you about that is to allow a look to glide over your face that tells your listener any further discussion on this will cause me to sob uncontrollably, fly into a rage or kill you.
Then as I will tell you many times, quickly get off the subject. But beware of sneaky secondary questions. Questions like, “How old were you when you got married? How old were you when you had the baby? Or they’ll ask talk about significant events hoping you’ll say something like, “Of course I remember when war was declared against Iraq, it was during my high school graduation ceremony!”
* I actually don’t know if that statistic is accurate, but it serves to make my point so I’m sticking to it.
Without children of your own, it is easy to pretend you’re younger than you are. For example, I do not have any children. Children give people a better way to calculate your age, by adding the age of the child to the approximate age you were when you got married (if the marriage was sudden). Throw in a year for the honeymoon year if the couple didn't know each other long before marriage. Or just add the age of the child to the estimated age the mother had the child, there are so many ways to figure that out. If you trust your child enough to reveal your age, you might as well put an ad in the paper with your age on; the child does not understand privacy until the early teens. You get the picture; we've all done it.
Much as I love children, this is something I appreciate about not having them. I have five brothers and sisters and four of them have children. My ten nieces and nephews range in age from newborn to – big! In fact I've started lying about their ages.
CHAPTER 14: Tips, Q & A
Questions
Someone Asks you, “Could I ask you a question?”
You answer, “NO.”
Someone asks you what year did you graduate?
Answer whatever you’d like. I graduated college in 1997* so that one’s easy for me.
If they ask what year I graduated high school.
Answer, “You must have not graduated from anything if you can’t figure that out.”
That ought to shut the person up.
What if someone 14 years younger than you asks your age?
Say I’m like 10 years older than you!”
This tells the asshole person that you are 10 or less years older than him/her but really like just means like. Not exactly!!
*As I am sure you have determined I did not “exactly rush off”1 to college right after high school.
1. Good phrase for obvious reasons to you by now. Good grasshopper!
Situations
As I walked into a Victoria’s Secret store a saleswoman walked up to me and said, “Hello Maam.”
I walked out.
Be careful people will say your age doesn’t matter* but it will put you in a restrictive category in the person’s mind. For example, my friend Kellie who always liked Madonna said that she is starting to look old and tired. Coincidentally the day Kellie made this comment was Madonna’s 40th birthday.
* If it didn’t they wouldn’t ask.
If you were born on the first year of a new decade (1940, 50, 60, etc) take advantage. If a vague reference to your age will suffice* as an answer, you can say I was born in the 50s. This automatically gives you a few years breathing room. Ditto for year graduated.
*When not in the prescence of overly nosy people.
Tips
Find significant events that happened days before your birth, bring them up in conversation and say, “I wasn’t even born yet.”
Notice that none of my date entries include years? Exactly you shouldn’t either. No dates on your resume, reference letters you may use. They become timeless, like you.
When is it OK to ask people their age? When they will most likely answer you by holding up the number of fingers representing their age.
Someone Asks you, “Could I ask you a question?”
You answer, “NO.”
Someone asks you what year did you graduate?
Answer whatever you’d like. I graduated college in 1997* so that one’s easy for me.
If they ask what year I graduated high school.
Answer, “You must have not graduated from anything if you can’t figure that out.”
That ought to shut the person up.
What if someone 14 years younger than you asks your age?
Say I’m like 10 years older than you!”
This tells the asshole person that you are 10 or less years older than him/her but really like just means like. Not exactly!!
*As I am sure you have determined I did not “exactly rush off”1 to college right after high school.
1. Good phrase for obvious reasons to you by now. Good grasshopper!
Situations
As I walked into a Victoria’s Secret store a saleswoman walked up to me and said, “Hello Maam.”
I walked out.
Be careful people will say your age doesn’t matter* but it will put you in a restrictive category in the person’s mind. For example, my friend Kellie who always liked Madonna said that she is starting to look old and tired. Coincidentally the day Kellie made this comment was Madonna’s 40th birthday.
* If it didn’t they wouldn’t ask.
If you were born on the first year of a new decade (1940, 50, 60, etc) take advantage. If a vague reference to your age will suffice* as an answer, you can say I was born in the 50s. This automatically gives you a few years breathing room. Ditto for year graduated.
*When not in the prescence of overly nosy people.
Tips
Find significant events that happened days before your birth, bring them up in conversation and say, “I wasn’t even born yet.”
Notice that none of my date entries include years? Exactly you shouldn’t either. No dates on your resume, reference letters you may use. They become timeless, like you.
When is it OK to ask people their age? When they will most likely answer you by holding up the number of fingers representing their age.
CHAPTER 13: YOU TELL ME YOURS AND I WON'T TELL YOU MINE!
Clara told me her age, do I have to tell her mine? In a word, NO! This and other lopsided logic will be addressed in this chapter.
Barbara is my sister-in-law now. Barbara thinks she is entitled to know my age and expects me to answer each time she asks me. Barbara is wrong.
.
Barbara is my sister-in-law now. Barbara thinks she is entitled to know my age and expects me to answer each time she asks me. Barbara is wrong.
.
CHAPTER 12: THE PROOF OF IDENTITY DEBATE: DATE OF BIRTH VS. MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME?
If the only purpose of knowing your date of birth or mother’s maiden name is to prove you are who you are, I vote mother’s maiden name! Date of birth is important to get into a bar or AARP. But why else? I think it is just proof of identification.
CHAPTER 11: MONDAY MORNING WEEKEND RE-CAP CHAT
“What did you do this weekend?” This is a tricky question. The reader will learn to listen carefully to what younger colleagues did, take elements of what they actually did and save it for their own bag of tricks. For example, if colleagues say, “I went clubbing,” you say, “Me too.” They don’t have to know you went country clubbing.
Friday, July 17, 2009
CHAPTER 10: PERSONNEL RECORDS AND OTHER INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE
This chapter focuses on dealing with others who have access to any piece of paper with a “DOB” line on it. Can you have access to these papers without getting arrested? This chapter addresses the possibilities of ripping out the date of birth when you have the chance. If the personnel manager is indiscriminate, do you kill her to ensure your privacy? These and other questions will be answered.
My Personnel Binder has my date of birth in it. I’ve had so many jobs and schools, traffic incidents, credit applications, stupid surveys, license plates, any form I ever filled out, I felt a moral obligation to fill in my true date of birth. And then I met Oona. God I love her. When friendships like this happen I think maybe there is an element of fate to life.
Let me explain. She feels no obligation to give the exact year. She taught me tricks. Make the last number difficult to decipher. Is that 1979 or 7? 1973 or 8? Get it? She believes if people are rude enough to ask, it is perfectly OK to lie. As long as you are not saying you are 17 when applying to be a stripper, you’re fine. As long as you are not signing up for a gym membership claiming to be 28, when you are actually 59, you are OK. As long as you are not harming yourself or others, it is no ones business.
See, Oona’s dad shares my pain. When Oona was as young as 13, she had to tell others she was 10 or less to decrease the inevitable calculation immediately made on her father’s age. He knows.
When I started in my big company I was just a child. * I gladly documented my age on the first page, and would make everyone laugh when people had their work anniversary parties and I’d say, “You’ve been here longer than I’ve been alive!” It happened twice, and then I shut up.
* Again, one of those fabulous, subjective words. I’ll remain child-like until my death to maintain the ability to use this adjective.
There have been so many incidents when I knew people snooped to find out how old I was men and women. There was a male boss who comes to mind. He was describing how there was another colleague of mine who is actually younger than he appeared. He was right, I definitely thought he was at least ten years older.
I knew he bothered to look in my personnel binder to obtain my age because,
A - I told no one my age and
B - he said, “Bill may be younger than you.”
Bill is one year younger than I am! Yes, that could just be a guess, but there were other occasions when this guy referred to people 15 years younger than him as my age, and I am exactly 15 years younger than he is.
My Personnel Binder has my date of birth in it. I’ve had so many jobs and schools, traffic incidents, credit applications, stupid surveys, license plates, any form I ever filled out, I felt a moral obligation to fill in my true date of birth. And then I met Oona. God I love her. When friendships like this happen I think maybe there is an element of fate to life.
Let me explain. She feels no obligation to give the exact year. She taught me tricks. Make the last number difficult to decipher. Is that 1979 or 7? 1973 or 8? Get it? She believes if people are rude enough to ask, it is perfectly OK to lie. As long as you are not saying you are 17 when applying to be a stripper, you’re fine. As long as you are not signing up for a gym membership claiming to be 28, when you are actually 59, you are OK. As long as you are not harming yourself or others, it is no ones business.
See, Oona’s dad shares my pain. When Oona was as young as 13, she had to tell others she was 10 or less to decrease the inevitable calculation immediately made on her father’s age. He knows.
When I started in my big company I was just a child. * I gladly documented my age on the first page, and would make everyone laugh when people had their work anniversary parties and I’d say, “You’ve been here longer than I’ve been alive!” It happened twice, and then I shut up.
* Again, one of those fabulous, subjective words. I’ll remain child-like until my death to maintain the ability to use this adjective.
There have been so many incidents when I knew people snooped to find out how old I was men and women. There was a male boss who comes to mind. He was describing how there was another colleague of mine who is actually younger than he appeared. He was right, I definitely thought he was at least ten years older.
I knew he bothered to look in my personnel binder to obtain my age because,
A - I told no one my age and
B - he said, “Bill may be younger than you.”
Bill is one year younger than I am! Yes, that could just be a guess, but there were other occasions when this guy referred to people 15 years younger than him as my age, and I am exactly 15 years younger than he is.
CHAPTER 9: YOUNGER CO-WORKERS
Younger co-workers are notorious for debating things and experiences you have left in the past – i.e. – favorite toys, cartoons and high school teachers. Readers will learn how to Avoid, Dodge and Deflect when the conversation at work turns to things they don’t remember because it happened after their time. For example, when you discover the favorite childhood toy others loved was the Cabbage Patch Doll, what do you do? Quit? Leave the room? Only discuss the enduring classics like Barbie? Or talk about the toys you actually played with?
I am one of the oldest but because they don’t know my specific age, I blend. We decided to go out after work. As we approached the club, a 70's themed place called “Poly Esthers” I noticed a man at the door checking IDs. The best move here was clearly to stay behind everyone so if he didn’t proof me it wouldn’t make everyone think, “HMMM, she must be significantly older than us.” And if he did proof me . . . I wasn’t prepared for this BUT HE DID!!
I pointed to my face and whispered, “Cmon, isn’t it obvious I’m over 30?” They weren’t satisfied with my words. They asked my date of birth. Finally I resorted to begging with tears in my eyes. That worked. Even flattering moments are painful.
Out with Tom and Lisa. Lisa is one of those people who continually asks a question even if you let her know you will never answer it. For about the fifth time in the two months we’ve known each other she said, “How old are you Rose? You told me but I forgot.”
I said, “No, I never told you, I never tell anyone my age.”
She said, “That’s OK, Chantelle told me.” (Chantelle was my manager at the time)
I said, “But I never told her, how would she know?”
Lisa said, “She must have snooped your personnel records.”
* I was out with a migrane the next day. Chantelle got fired soon after. Hell hath no fury as a dated woman.
Kellie and I drive in to work together and she has a fifteen-year-old sister. Kellie thinks I'm about her age, how do I admit to my nieces age? How?? My niece is bigger than I am and some strangers did mistake us for sisters. I shave about five years off the older children. I exaggerate the youth of my brother who had children first, and I exaggerate how much younger I am than him.
Back to Kellie. I really like her. She's mature beyond her years and I am completely comfortable with her. We're at the same basic developmental stages, we're both about to get married, considering a big move as a result, and we have the same job. The difference is Kellie is nearing the average age for this step in life, she's a little younger than average, and I'm -- maybe a few years past the average. So why tell her my age? So she can start calling me Ms. LaColla? Or maybe she'll start explaining things which she perceives to have fallen into our generation gap. She still doesn't know my age but has asked several times. I try to gently reveal it to her so she won't freak out. So as not to draw attention to the telltale signs that I'm older than she is. Or worst of all, to cause her to preface anything she says with, “Yeah, my mother thinks/says that too.” As if to say, I can't relate to you anymore, perhaps my mother could. Her mother is only 43!!
The first time Kellie asked the question, we were driving in to work together, and I couldn't run, I couldn't hide, I was driving. I really thought we got past the question. Either she figured it out or she just didn't care. Almost anything personal can lead a person down that path to the question. I can't remember how it started, but there were about three turns in the conversation the first time she asked me that went something like this.
Me: I love this song (on the radio)
Kellie: I never heard it, who is MC Hammer* and when did he perform in the high school auditorium?
* Are you thinking, MC Hammer performed in her high school, she must not have graduated too long ago. If you did think that, then you have just picked up another handy trick. Reference songs you loved in high school that didn’t come out until much later.
Me: Oh, I don’t know I just heard this on the radio for the first time recently, I think it’s an old song though.
Kellie: Oh . . .. Where did you go to high school?
Me: (beginning to sweat) Roosevelt. Hey look up ahead, we are heading for traffic, should we go another way?
Kellie: Did you know Frank Calabra, he went to Roosevelt?
Me: That name sounds familiar, but it's such a big school, and I may be confusing him with someone I used to work with at NYNEX. NYNEX makes phones. . Oh that reminds me, don't forget to call home to see how your dog is doing after getting spade, how did the surgery go anyway? (By now I'm praying to God she's lost her focus)
Kellie: How long did you work at NYNEX?
Me: Ten years. (Why did I answer that honestly, oh my god!!!)
Kellie: Wow, ten years! (pause) . . . H o w o l d a r e y o u ?
Me: (Silence, I try to smile. I feel her staring at me, trying to piece it together)
Kellie: Oh come on, you're not at that age when you can't say anymore.
Me: (Silence again, praying, please God, make her stop)
Kellie: You're not 30 are you?
Me: No, Kellie, I'm not! (OK, please, let that be enough of an answer)
Kellie: I know, you're 29. Well you look great for your age, I thought you were my age.
Thank God, it's over. But that was not the end. And the 29 thing was not entirely flattering because Kellie is so young, that she almost falls into the category of the child who thinks her mother is 10 years old because there concept of age really doesn't go much higher than that. At 17, I thought 24 was older. Now 80 doesn't even look old to me.
Frequently people are more inquisitive about your age when they deem you to be about thiers. They are measuring where they are in life against your experiences. That is why it is difficult to be friendly with someone who had a child very young. My first experience with a young mother was when she was alerting me to the fact that I’d better have children before I get too old happened when I was 22. I was not even dating anyone seriously and she said, “have children now, you don’t want to wait until you’re too old.” Then when I was 27, another woman, 35, with a 17 year-old son said, “It’s crazy when these white women have children so old, I mean over 25.” !! I didn’t dare tell her I contemplated having children some day.
I am one of the oldest but because they don’t know my specific age, I blend. We decided to go out after work. As we approached the club, a 70's themed place called “Poly Esthers” I noticed a man at the door checking IDs. The best move here was clearly to stay behind everyone so if he didn’t proof me it wouldn’t make everyone think, “HMMM, she must be significantly older than us.” And if he did proof me . . . I wasn’t prepared for this BUT HE DID!!
I pointed to my face and whispered, “Cmon, isn’t it obvious I’m over 30?” They weren’t satisfied with my words. They asked my date of birth. Finally I resorted to begging with tears in my eyes. That worked. Even flattering moments are painful.
Out with Tom and Lisa. Lisa is one of those people who continually asks a question even if you let her know you will never answer it. For about the fifth time in the two months we’ve known each other she said, “How old are you Rose? You told me but I forgot.”
I said, “No, I never told you, I never tell anyone my age.”
She said, “That’s OK, Chantelle told me.” (Chantelle was my manager at the time)
I said, “But I never told her, how would she know?”
Lisa said, “She must have snooped your personnel records.”
* I was out with a migrane the next day. Chantelle got fired soon after. Hell hath no fury as a dated woman.
Kellie and I drive in to work together and she has a fifteen-year-old sister. Kellie thinks I'm about her age, how do I admit to my nieces age? How?? My niece is bigger than I am and some strangers did mistake us for sisters. I shave about five years off the older children. I exaggerate the youth of my brother who had children first, and I exaggerate how much younger I am than him.
Back to Kellie. I really like her. She's mature beyond her years and I am completely comfortable with her. We're at the same basic developmental stages, we're both about to get married, considering a big move as a result, and we have the same job. The difference is Kellie is nearing the average age for this step in life, she's a little younger than average, and I'm -- maybe a few years past the average. So why tell her my age? So she can start calling me Ms. LaColla? Or maybe she'll start explaining things which she perceives to have fallen into our generation gap. She still doesn't know my age but has asked several times. I try to gently reveal it to her so she won't freak out. So as not to draw attention to the telltale signs that I'm older than she is. Or worst of all, to cause her to preface anything she says with, “Yeah, my mother thinks/says that too.” As if to say, I can't relate to you anymore, perhaps my mother could. Her mother is only 43!!
The first time Kellie asked the question, we were driving in to work together, and I couldn't run, I couldn't hide, I was driving. I really thought we got past the question. Either she figured it out or she just didn't care. Almost anything personal can lead a person down that path to the question. I can't remember how it started, but there were about three turns in the conversation the first time she asked me that went something like this.
Me: I love this song (on the radio)
Kellie: I never heard it, who is MC Hammer* and when did he perform in the high school auditorium?
* Are you thinking, MC Hammer performed in her high school, she must not have graduated too long ago. If you did think that, then you have just picked up another handy trick. Reference songs you loved in high school that didn’t come out until much later.
Me: Oh, I don’t know I just heard this on the radio for the first time recently, I think it’s an old song though.
Kellie: Oh . . .. Where did you go to high school?
Me: (beginning to sweat) Roosevelt. Hey look up ahead, we are heading for traffic, should we go another way?
Kellie: Did you know Frank Calabra, he went to Roosevelt?
Me: That name sounds familiar, but it's such a big school, and I may be confusing him with someone I used to work with at NYNEX. NYNEX makes phones. . Oh that reminds me, don't forget to call home to see how your dog is doing after getting spade, how did the surgery go anyway? (By now I'm praying to God she's lost her focus)
Kellie: How long did you work at NYNEX?
Me: Ten years. (Why did I answer that honestly, oh my god!!!)
Kellie: Wow, ten years! (pause) . . . H o w o l d a r e y o u ?
Me: (Silence, I try to smile. I feel her staring at me, trying to piece it together)
Kellie: Oh come on, you're not at that age when you can't say anymore.
Me: (Silence again, praying, please God, make her stop)
Kellie: You're not 30 are you?
Me: No, Kellie, I'm not! (OK, please, let that be enough of an answer)
Kellie: I know, you're 29. Well you look great for your age, I thought you were my age.
Thank God, it's over. But that was not the end. And the 29 thing was not entirely flattering because Kellie is so young, that she almost falls into the category of the child who thinks her mother is 10 years old because there concept of age really doesn't go much higher than that. At 17, I thought 24 was older. Now 80 doesn't even look old to me.
Frequently people are more inquisitive about your age when they deem you to be about thiers. They are measuring where they are in life against your experiences. That is why it is difficult to be friendly with someone who had a child very young. My first experience with a young mother was when she was alerting me to the fact that I’d better have children before I get too old happened when I was 22. I was not even dating anyone seriously and she said, “have children now, you don’t want to wait until you’re too old.” Then when I was 27, another woman, 35, with a 17 year-old son said, “It’s crazy when these white women have children so old, I mean over 25.” !! I didn’t dare tell her I contemplated having children some day.
CHAPTER 8: COFFEE ROOM CONVERSATIONS (FORMERLY WATER COOLER CHATTER)
This is a dangerous situation. Readers will learn how to Avoid, Dodge and Deflect when others are making references to things you remember but pretend not to. For example, when someone asks, "Remember the episode of Saturday Night Live when Chevy Chase . . ."* smile politely, appear to strain to figure out who Chevy Chase is and say something like, "Do you mean Mike Meyers?" They will think you are too young to have stayed up that late, or better yet, you weren't even born!
* I only know Chevy Chase because I watch “Saturday Night Live” re-runs of the Chevy Chase episodes on the comedy channel.
Even people that feel the need to constantly remind others of their age make me uncomfortable. I forgot her name, but someone I worked briefly with, her name may have been Cathy, was one to do that.
"Let's see, I can get the retirement offer if I wait how many years? I had my daughter at 40, she's 5 now, that makes me 45, so in ten years I can leave the company with benefits."
Did she have to say all that out loud? At times like this I turn red, change the subject or say, "My mom just left the company and she received a nice financial package, even though she only worked in the company 15 years."* My mom quit in four years before, but "just" is such a relative word.
*The fact that she worked in the company for only 15 years is great! She could be 40 for all anyone knows.
So for the kindred spirit out there, maybe it won't stop anyone from asking this godforsaken question, maybe it will even make more people ask. Yes, when referring to this book, some idiot will think he or she is funny by going on and on about their age, your age, aging in general. The person will emphasize how cool they are with aging, not realizing, you could care less how she feels about it.* But now, at least they will know that they are idiots. In fact, some of them may be close relatives and friends. Some may themselves be sensitive about their age.
* Even worse if the idiot is a he.
It won't stop them, and it certainly won't stop time. It may simply let you know you're not alone. Then there is our sick system of denial. We try to pretend getting older is great. How often have you heard or said these things:
"My husband says I have more character in my face now that I'm older." (Actually, I believed this one, the woman is in her mid forties and I know her husband and I believe he really means it)
"I admire older people." (as long as I'm not there yet)
"I'm more comfortable with my body at 50 then I've ever been in my life." (of course it cost a fortune to feel that way what with therapy and extensive plastic surgery)
This is bullshit! Getting older sucks. But don't get me wrong, I'm all for having a
good attitude about getting older, it is, after all, all we have. Let's just acknowledge the loss.
* I only know Chevy Chase because I watch “Saturday Night Live” re-runs of the Chevy Chase episodes on the comedy channel.
Even people that feel the need to constantly remind others of their age make me uncomfortable. I forgot her name, but someone I worked briefly with, her name may have been Cathy, was one to do that.
"Let's see, I can get the retirement offer if I wait how many years? I had my daughter at 40, she's 5 now, that makes me 45, so in ten years I can leave the company with benefits."
Did she have to say all that out loud? At times like this I turn red, change the subject or say, "My mom just left the company and she received a nice financial package, even though she only worked in the company 15 years."* My mom quit in four years before, but "just" is such a relative word.
*The fact that she worked in the company for only 15 years is great! She could be 40 for all anyone knows.
So for the kindred spirit out there, maybe it won't stop anyone from asking this godforsaken question, maybe it will even make more people ask. Yes, when referring to this book, some idiot will think he or she is funny by going on and on about their age, your age, aging in general. The person will emphasize how cool they are with aging, not realizing, you could care less how she feels about it.* But now, at least they will know that they are idiots. In fact, some of them may be close relatives and friends. Some may themselves be sensitive about their age.
* Even worse if the idiot is a he.
It won't stop them, and it certainly won't stop time. It may simply let you know you're not alone. Then there is our sick system of denial. We try to pretend getting older is great. How often have you heard or said these things:
"My husband says I have more character in my face now that I'm older." (Actually, I believed this one, the woman is in her mid forties and I know her husband and I believe he really means it)
"I admire older people." (as long as I'm not there yet)
"I'm more comfortable with my body at 50 then I've ever been in my life." (of course it cost a fortune to feel that way what with therapy and extensive plastic surgery)
This is bullshit! Getting older sucks. But don't get me wrong, I'm all for having a
good attitude about getting older, it is, after all, all we have. Let's just acknowledge the loss.
CHAPTER 7: IS YOUR ACTUAL DATE OF BIRTH NECESSARY?
This chapter is dedicated to knowing when the truth is necessary, if it is “need-to-know” information. Usually date of birth is an I need to know and you don’t piece of information. Forms which “require” this information are job applications, driver license forms, health and automobile insurance, prescriptions, etc. This is the time to write your numbers sloppy or to say, “I don’t have my drivers license.”
Oona did this when she was asked for a photo copy of her drivers license when beginning work. God I admire her. She learned from her father who frequently had her and her sister lie about their ages as toddlers* to make him appear younger. Oona, who actually is not terribly concerned with her age, hiding it is more of a favorite pastime she shared with her father. Still, if you look her up, you can't find her age! And I think she has her driver's license, which is the source of all the date of birth web postings out there - - one more reason to hate the DMV.
* A valuable word. See page 30 for more details.
I took a defensive driving course today. I was the youngest one in the class (bliss). There were forms to fill out for this class and you know what information is on the drivers license, right on the fuckin front of the drivers license -- DOB. Why must they know that? Why, Why, Why?? Couldn't we just be in 10 year, even five-year categories? (and let us select the ranges, i.e. if you are 34, your range would be 18-34) Thank God the motor vehicle employees privy to this information are bureaucrats who don't care about our ages - - or us. And thank God I don't personally know any of them.
Throughout the half-day class I planned how to fill out that one line of the form. Wait for a break? In the lady's room stall? Well I waited till everyone left the room on a break and that's when I did it, now I just had to hide it. As I was walking out someone left hers right on top of the table: DOB 1949! How could she? Maybe it IS just me!
But the humiliation that day didn't end with the DOB question. No, in addition to the day, month and year of my birth, I had to put myself into a category. There were categories to choose from and only one to be in gracefully. Years and description such as young, middle aged or old labeled the categories! Dammit!! And who decides what is young, old or somewhere in between? I think I'd have a problem categorizing myself as an old driver because I was 55. With my date of birth right above it, I could not lie. Is this questions sole purpose just to be cruel? Who makes up these categories?
Depending on experts I listened to or what I read over the past ten years I have been in the following categories simultaneously:
Baby boomer*
Generation X
Young adult
Middle aged **
* How long did this boom go on? Didn’t this originally mean a bunch of horny soldiers came back from World War two in the mid to late 1940s and had sex a lot and therefore babies? I would imagine that lasted for a week or two, not 20 to 30 years!! LET IT GO historians.
**Some prominent sociologists/psychologistS/experts I still have ten years before I hit middle age. I really like those experts. They base middle age on whether you have children and other variables not necessarily directly connected to exactly how many years you have lived.
Oona did this when she was asked for a photo copy of her drivers license when beginning work. God I admire her. She learned from her father who frequently had her and her sister lie about their ages as toddlers* to make him appear younger. Oona, who actually is not terribly concerned with her age, hiding it is more of a favorite pastime she shared with her father. Still, if you look her up, you can't find her age! And I think she has her driver's license, which is the source of all the date of birth web postings out there - - one more reason to hate the DMV.
* A valuable word. See page 30 for more details.
I took a defensive driving course today. I was the youngest one in the class (bliss). There were forms to fill out for this class and you know what information is on the drivers license, right on the fuckin front of the drivers license -- DOB. Why must they know that? Why, Why, Why?? Couldn't we just be in 10 year, even five-year categories? (and let us select the ranges, i.e. if you are 34, your range would be 18-34) Thank God the motor vehicle employees privy to this information are bureaucrats who don't care about our ages - - or us. And thank God I don't personally know any of them.
Throughout the half-day class I planned how to fill out that one line of the form. Wait for a break? In the lady's room stall? Well I waited till everyone left the room on a break and that's when I did it, now I just had to hide it. As I was walking out someone left hers right on top of the table: DOB 1949! How could she? Maybe it IS just me!
But the humiliation that day didn't end with the DOB question. No, in addition to the day, month and year of my birth, I had to put myself into a category. There were categories to choose from and only one to be in gracefully. Years and description such as young, middle aged or old labeled the categories! Dammit!! And who decides what is young, old or somewhere in between? I think I'd have a problem categorizing myself as an old driver because I was 55. With my date of birth right above it, I could not lie. Is this questions sole purpose just to be cruel? Who makes up these categories?
Depending on experts I listened to or what I read over the past ten years I have been in the following categories simultaneously:
Baby boomer*
Generation X
Young adult
Middle aged **
* How long did this boom go on? Didn’t this originally mean a bunch of horny soldiers came back from World War two in the mid to late 1940s and had sex a lot and therefore babies? I would imagine that lasted for a week or two, not 20 to 30 years!! LET IT GO historians.
**Some prominent sociologists/psychologistS/experts I still have ten years before I hit middle age. I really like those experts. They base middle age on whether you have children and other variables not necessarily directly connected to exactly how many years you have lived.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
CHAPTER 6: LET’S CELEBRATE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!
Do you have someone in your office who feels the need to celebrate every employee’s birthday in order to keep morale up? I’ll bet it’s the same person responsible for employee morale at the post office. Black balloons with your age on them, signs that say “you’re 30, 40, 50 etc.” Who thinks this is fun to the birthday girl or boy? Who?
This chapter is dedicated to predicting if you’ll encounter this joyous surprise party, how to Avoid it, when to confront the party planner directly and how to determine whether you have an office free of people who will inevitably ask, “How old are you today?” That is, if the planner hasn’t already announced it to the world. *
* See the section of the book dedicated to finding places of employment where you will always be the youngest.
Once, someone had a birthday party for a 23-year-old guy who was upset by it because he didn’t want anyone to know how young he is. I was already beginning my mid-life crisis by 23! However, it was comforting to realize that some people find advancing age to be a source of pride.
In any case, when you start a job, determine who the birthday planner is. Start conversations with gregarious secretaries, the football pool guy, or anyone who doesn't have much work to do. You will recognize that person by all the complaining they do about how much work they have to do. Anyway, annoying or not, once you find that person, befriend them and after a while let them know in no uncertain terms that you don't want to celebrate your birthday at work. If the person is excessively stubborn, mention some obscure religion that you ascribe to and how birthday parties could result in your death by public stoning.
This chapter is dedicated to predicting if you’ll encounter this joyous surprise party, how to Avoid it, when to confront the party planner directly and how to determine whether you have an office free of people who will inevitably ask, “How old are you today?” That is, if the planner hasn’t already announced it to the world. *
* See the section of the book dedicated to finding places of employment where you will always be the youngest.
Once, someone had a birthday party for a 23-year-old guy who was upset by it because he didn’t want anyone to know how young he is. I was already beginning my mid-life crisis by 23! However, it was comforting to realize that some people find advancing age to be a source of pride.
In any case, when you start a job, determine who the birthday planner is. Start conversations with gregarious secretaries, the football pool guy, or anyone who doesn't have much work to do. You will recognize that person by all the complaining they do about how much work they have to do. Anyway, annoying or not, once you find that person, befriend them and after a while let them know in no uncertain terms that you don't want to celebrate your birthday at work. If the person is excessively stubborn, mention some obscure religion that you ascribe to and how birthday parties could result in your death by public stoning.
Chapter 5: DANGER POINTS
Getting engaged sparked alot of age related questions. How long have you two been together? When are you getting married? Are you going to have children. If I said I don't know, they'd say, well how old are you? To which I'd say why do you ask? Because you're not getting any younger.
To which I'd love to say (fuck you), "I'm not? Oh no! Why I thought I was. Don't get me wrong, I knew you and everyone else in the world was getting older, but me? NO! Thank God you were here to tell me. And in front of so many people, in case I forget, I'll have them to remind me now. And now they can finish your job of finding out how old I am in days to come, now that you have brought it to their attention. Now what will I do? How many more years will I be able to bear children oh wise one? Oh thank you for telling me I'm not getting any younger, I'm so glad you brought up the whole subject of my age. Let me guess, I bet you'd tell me your age, right? Then it's only fair that I tell you mine, because if you are comfortable with your age then so am I!
When I got the ring I wasn't sure I'd actually marry the guy, and that was a source of another type of inquisition. People would look more intently at me, studying my face for age. The semi polite ones would ask how old my fiancé was. I'd shave off a few years from his age knowing that the slick sleuths would next ask if he was older or younger than me. He is a few years older, but I wouldn't tell them that. I'd simply say, "he's older, I have to run", and run I did.
If they caught me with the question before my escape, my basic plan of avoidance was
· Humor
· Old enough/not old enough to get married
· Still in my child-bearing years
· Probably older than you (regardless of their age)
· 29
· 59
Finally, just run away if possible.
This incident was accidental. But prepare yourself before entering a group, class, party, etc. where age can become a significant factor and therefore a topic of discussion.
Now you must prepare yourself for events such as a financial planning seminar for example. I was in one recently* and a woman in it talked happily about retiring and about the fact that she was close to turning 60. We were in this seminar for a few hours but she volunteered her age almost immediately. I was the youngest one there but I still wouldn't divulge such personal information in public. In fact the others in the seminar joked about my "youth". I learned that day that I couldn't get money out of my IRA until I was 59 years old. My reaction prompted a woman in the group to say, "You can tell she's so far away from 59 by her reaction." After a moment of glee, I prayed no one would ask. So even suggestions of how young one is create anxiety in the true age-o-phoebe.
* Recently is a good word to use instead of a specific date. Depending on who you are and what your frame of reference is recently could mean yesterday, a few years ago, or 3,000 years ago
To which I'd love to say (fuck you), "I'm not? Oh no! Why I thought I was. Don't get me wrong, I knew you and everyone else in the world was getting older, but me? NO! Thank God you were here to tell me. And in front of so many people, in case I forget, I'll have them to remind me now. And now they can finish your job of finding out how old I am in days to come, now that you have brought it to their attention. Now what will I do? How many more years will I be able to bear children oh wise one? Oh thank you for telling me I'm not getting any younger, I'm so glad you brought up the whole subject of my age. Let me guess, I bet you'd tell me your age, right? Then it's only fair that I tell you mine, because if you are comfortable with your age then so am I!
When I got the ring I wasn't sure I'd actually marry the guy, and that was a source of another type of inquisition. People would look more intently at me, studying my face for age. The semi polite ones would ask how old my fiancé was. I'd shave off a few years from his age knowing that the slick sleuths would next ask if he was older or younger than me. He is a few years older, but I wouldn't tell them that. I'd simply say, "he's older, I have to run", and run I did.
If they caught me with the question before my escape, my basic plan of avoidance was
· Humor
· Old enough/not old enough to get married
· Still in my child-bearing years
· Probably older than you (regardless of their age)
· 29
· 59
Finally, just run away if possible.
This incident was accidental. But prepare yourself before entering a group, class, party, etc. where age can become a significant factor and therefore a topic of discussion.
Now you must prepare yourself for events such as a financial planning seminar for example. I was in one recently* and a woman in it talked happily about retiring and about the fact that she was close to turning 60. We were in this seminar for a few hours but she volunteered her age almost immediately. I was the youngest one there but I still wouldn't divulge such personal information in public. In fact the others in the seminar joked about my "youth". I learned that day that I couldn't get money out of my IRA until I was 59 years old. My reaction prompted a woman in the group to say, "You can tell she's so far away from 59 by her reaction." After a moment of glee, I prayed no one would ask. So even suggestions of how young one is create anxiety in the true age-o-phoebe.
* Recently is a good word to use instead of a specific date. Depending on who you are and what your frame of reference is recently could mean yesterday, a few years ago, or 3,000 years ago
CHAPTER 4: FAMILY: GROUNDS FOR FEUDS
CHAPTER 4: FAMILY: GROUNDS FOR FEUDS
Siblings
If someone asks you, “Who is older you or your sister/brother?” This is easy, “She/he is.” Just make sure you have a deal in advance with that sibling. For example, my younger* sister agrees to let me call her the older one but she is always the one who weighs less than me. Oddly enough I have absolutely no problem telling people how much I weigh.
*Barely
Parents
They give you away by their appearance alone. Keep conversations going about Tori Spellings dad. Or how you admire your mother for bearing children into her 50s. Create the illusion that your 70-80 year old parents just gave birth to you 20/25 years ago. It is possible. Bring up the recent news story about the sixty-something-year-old woman who gave birth, there is always one on the news. Then look lovingly at your mom.
If you have a thoughtless relative who inadvertently gives away your age, casually bring up in conversation later how sad it is that he/she is senile. **
** Regardless of his/her age
When I was 10, I used to paint with two of my friends after school. Both of them had younger, more stylish mothers with nice figures. My mother had six children and loves to eat. My friends used to say my mother was old fashioned and I would cry. They said they didn’t mean to be mean, it’s just that she didn’t wear makeup and all. But I always felt by old-fashioned they just meant old.
Last night I had a dream she died. I know people would ask, “How old was she?” Then they’d lose sympathy at hearing her age as if she lived long enough and deserved to die. If I outlive my mother and people ask me that question, and if I don’t smack them, I’ll ask what is their cutoff age for living? If I say she was 50, would that be sad but if she was 60 or 70 they would deem her to have lived long enough? Don't ever ask how old someone was when you hear another's loved one died, it is sad no matter what the age.
Siblings
If someone asks you, “Who is older you or your sister/brother?” This is easy, “She/he is.” Just make sure you have a deal in advance with that sibling. For example, my younger* sister agrees to let me call her the older one but she is always the one who weighs less than me. Oddly enough I have absolutely no problem telling people how much I weigh.
*Barely
Parents
They give you away by their appearance alone. Keep conversations going about Tori Spellings dad. Or how you admire your mother for bearing children into her 50s. Create the illusion that your 70-80 year old parents just gave birth to you 20/25 years ago. It is possible. Bring up the recent news story about the sixty-something-year-old woman who gave birth, there is always one on the news. Then look lovingly at your mom.
If you have a thoughtless relative who inadvertently gives away your age, casually bring up in conversation later how sad it is that he/she is senile. **
** Regardless of his/her age
When I was 10, I used to paint with two of my friends after school. Both of them had younger, more stylish mothers with nice figures. My mother had six children and loves to eat. My friends used to say my mother was old fashioned and I would cry. They said they didn’t mean to be mean, it’s just that she didn’t wear makeup and all. But I always felt by old-fashioned they just meant old.
Last night I had a dream she died. I know people would ask, “How old was she?” Then they’d lose sympathy at hearing her age as if she lived long enough and deserved to die. If I outlive my mother and people ask me that question, and if I don’t smack them, I’ll ask what is their cutoff age for living? If I say she was 50, would that be sad but if she was 60 or 70 they would deem her to have lived long enough? Don't ever ask how old someone was when you hear another's loved one died, it is sad no matter what the age.
CHAPTER 3: NIECES AND NEPHEWS: WHEN TO START CALLING THEM COUSINS
CHAPTER 3: NIECES AND NEPHEWS: WHEN TO START CALLING THEM COUSINS
Discussions about the family get tricky as loving aunts and uncles want to talk about their precious nieces and nephews. But what do you do when quality time with the cherubs include activities which require the tot to have a drivers license?
Yesterday was successful. I blended with the 20 something’s and had no desire to sit outside with the 50 something parents. It was effortless. There was one tense moment when one of the twenty something’s said she worked at a college fair. Spontaneously I blurted out, “That’s great, I need college information for my nie – - cousin.” It was a close call. Why did my brother have to have children so young? He couldn’t be one of the baby boomers having their first child at 50.
Saying I needed information about colleges was not a total lie, and I am not comfortable completely lying. I do have a cousin who never finished college, and I could have gotten information for her. And I discovered recently that my father has a forty-year-old cousin. If she had children she could conceivably have one child beginning to consider what colleges to go to. And that child would be my second cousin.
Discussions about the family get tricky as loving aunts and uncles want to talk about their precious nieces and nephews. But what do you do when quality time with the cherubs include activities which require the tot to have a drivers license?
Yesterday was successful. I blended with the 20 something’s and had no desire to sit outside with the 50 something parents. It was effortless. There was one tense moment when one of the twenty something’s said she worked at a college fair. Spontaneously I blurted out, “That’s great, I need college information for my nie – - cousin.” It was a close call. Why did my brother have to have children so young? He couldn’t be one of the baby boomers having their first child at 50.
Saying I needed information about colleges was not a total lie, and I am not comfortable completely lying. I do have a cousin who never finished college, and I could have gotten information for her. And I discovered recently that my father has a forty-year-old cousin. If she had children she could conceivably have one child beginning to consider what colleges to go to. And that child would be my second cousin.
Monday, July 13, 2009
CHAPTER 2: DO YOU REMEMBER?
This is fun when talking to older relatives in a family-only environment. But when friends and lovers are around – Red Flag! Readers will learn how to Avoid these conversations when friends and lovers meet the family. They will learn how to Deflect this question by saying, “Better yet, do you remember when George Bush was president? Does my hair look bushy today? Let me go check!”
Dodge this by learning. This chapter will provide assistance to craftily respond to the “do you remember” questions.
October 16, 19--. .*. Today was a good day. I was able to look quizzically at Jim, who while he was referencing an episode of “The Avengers”. Because of my expression he knew the show was before my time and said so. But this expression and reaction is just fine for memories you DO have too. But be careful not to simply seem senile.
* Get in the habit of not dating events in your life except in a diary that only you will see. This prevents the possibility of people piecing together how old you are.
Time stands still at a moment like this. Jim is 20 or 30 years older than me. He says things like, “I remember when I was young and ambitious.” You really can fool people by being secretive about your age. Enjoy the flattering moment but be careful, it usually leads to an inquiry about your age if it can be detected by your expression that the person is off in their assessment of your age.
Dodge this by learning. This chapter will provide assistance to craftily respond to the “do you remember” questions.
October 16, 19--. .*. Today was a good day. I was able to look quizzically at Jim, who while he was referencing an episode of “The Avengers”. Because of my expression he knew the show was before my time and said so. But this expression and reaction is just fine for memories you DO have too. But be careful not to simply seem senile.
* Get in the habit of not dating events in your life except in a diary that only you will see. This prevents the possibility of people piecing together how old you are.
Time stands still at a moment like this. Jim is 20 or 30 years older than me. He says things like, “I remember when I was young and ambitious.” You really can fool people by being secretive about your age. Enjoy the flattering moment but be careful, it usually leads to an inquiry about your age if it can be detected by your expression that the person is off in their assessment of your age.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
CHAPTER 1: LEARNING TO A.D.D. - - Avoid, Dodge and Deflect
My cousin* David is turning 27 this weekend and he is depressed about it. I know his pain. When I turned** 25, the awareness that I had left a coveted category was palpable. At a beach club some guys applauded as I took off my bikini cover up and invited me over to have a drink with them. I went and we talked and laughed, everything was going fine until they asked me how old I was. This was the last time I answered with ease. As I answered, “25,” I watched their faces drop because they thought they were picking up a younger babe. The conversation ended shortly thereafter and I proceeded to get smashed.
Why do people ask this question? Why do they need this information? As in this case at the beach club we were all perfectly happy without it and we were all unhappy with it. But this was a turning point for me. I have learned something very important.
And I will teach you.
The lesson you will learn is that it is really no one’s business and you have the right, nay, obligation, to Avoid, Dodge and Deflect (ADD). We’ll need to establish some working definitions so your brain will begin to become accustomed to going swiftly from one approach to the next.
Avoid - keep from happening.
Dodge - Move or shift quickly aside, evade by cunning, trickery or deceit.
Deflect - To turn aside or cause to turn aside; swerve
*With large families, age ranges can be troubling, ie. you have a nephew that is close in age to you so people might assume that you are old enough to be his/her parent. Learn that titles such as niece/nephew/aunt/uncle etc. are flexible and should be applied based on how old you would like to appear to your audience. In this case 20 or 30 something is fine with me.
** Turned is a good adjective. It implies something just happened. If someone asks your age you can say, “I turned 25.” No one has to know that happened five years ago.
One incident in particular provides an example of each technique.
While at work Clara said I shouldn't dye my hair until I have to, meaning when I begin to go gray. Acknowledging the fact that I did not have gray hair, she said she didn't have to dye her hair either when she was 25. This was a moment of bliss but I knew it was just a fleeting moment.
It was a bittersweet moment because I detected her curiosity; I felt the question coming. And, that is exactly what happened with Clara. Because quickly as I tried to Dodge it by leaving the area, she managed to get the question out. Like a deer in the headlights, the question caught me.
In the presence of a small crowd of colleagues, I'm hit with it: "How old are you anyway?"
My second response was a Deflection in the form of a joke. Sometimes that works but not this time.
Me: 55!! OK, bye.
Clara: No, really, how old are you?
Me: No, really, I don't want to tell you. (Avoidance)
Clara: You can tell me. She holds a folder up in front of her face to prevent the others around her from hearing my response. Why hasn't she been promoted?
Me: Next I try honesty. Clara, I'm extremely sensitive about it. (And you are the gossipiest secretary in the company, I didn't say that, just thought it)
Clara: I don't give a shit, I'm 38.
You don’t care if everyone knows your age? OK then, sorry I didn’t realize YOU didn’t care, how silly of me! Hey, I get it! If you tell everyone your age, then I should too, right? What else do you do? You smoke? Great, I will too! I was a vegetarian my whole life but since you eat meat . . . Why if you tell your age then everyone else should too! Why didn't I see that before? I’m . . . STILL NOT GOING TO TELL YOU!
Well, somehow, I pulled myself out of this one but now, everyone who witnessed it is doing some ADDing of his/her own: thinking about how old I am whether he or she wanted to or not.
And Clara has access to all the personnel binders. But I'm sure her integrity will prevent her from retrieving my binder and looking at the birth date on the cover. Yes, and her integrity will also prevent her from broadcasting my age to all the other people who begged to know my age. LA LA LA. . I can dream.
It's a painful art avoiding the question. The question itself is indicative of the outcome of the calculation. . How OLD are you? Not, how young are you? How many years have you been living? What is your physiological condition?
I'm in pretty good shape, I think I'd do well at that question. The question may as well be, “At what level of depreciation are you?”
Oh, you're a woman? You depreciation level is actually that, squared, due to the heavy emphasis on our appearance as compared to men.
And I am not the only one avoiding this question. I watched Cathy Griffin on the Roseanne Show a long time ago. I like her. She’s a pro at ADDing. But Roseanne didn’t give up, and Cathy was good. Cathy’s big mistake was saying that her boyfriend was younger. That was a red flag. Bate for Roseanne to ask Cathy’s age. First Roseanne asked how old her boyfriend is.
Cathy: “25.”
Roseanne: “And you’re.”
Cathy: “And I’m not!”
But the bitch had to ask how much older she was on National TV, my ultimate nightmare. Cathy Dodged this again, I forgot how. Roseanne, the classy, sensitive babe that she is missed Cathy’s signals that her age was something she was not comfortable announcing on national TV.
Finally she just came out and asked, “How old are you?”
Cathy said somewhere between heaven and hell or something like that. Then she quickly Deflected the question by saying, “Well you’re married to a younger man, (bonus statement next) no you’re not married anymore.”
This is normally an excellent deflection because it is usually easy to get people engrossed in their favorite subject, themselves.
Roseanne became very defensive and said, “Yes I am married.”
Cathy double-Dodged by quickly tying Roseanne’s defensiveness somehow, cleverly, and smoothly to Roseanne’s recent audience with the president.
We can learn from Cathy. She had the additional pressure of being on national television. She Avoided, she Dodged and Deflected. She took her deflection to the highest level of government!
Roseanne did get quite caught up in this topic and I really thought Cathy won this battle. She was fabulous, not only did she engage a narcissistic star in the perfectly distracting conversation, herself, but also she bombarded her with different images, took her down different paths, it wasn’t one attempt to change the subject but three! Still Roseanne came back to her inconsequential question and asked again, “How old are you?”
Cathy was trapped. She was astute enough to realize someone this relentless requires an answer, even if it is a lie. She came with props, prepared for this moment. Realizing the tabloids always get and print that bitter detail, Cathy picked one which she “happened” to have sitting near by and said, well let’s see, it says here, “The bubbly 32 year old…” and Cathy said, “OK.” So, clearly she carries around the paper with her youngest recorded age and uses it as a last resort. Cathy gets a star in this book.
Tabloid television shows such as “Entertainment Tonight” broadcast birthdays of the stars nightly. I’m sure the celebrities love this! For a while I thought perhaps the employees of Entertainment Tonight just didn’t have any hang-ups with their ages and that is why they thought nothing of making it a regular segment on their show. Until it was Julie Moran’s birthday. * On this day, they announced her birthday, sang happy birthday, but notably forgot to mention her age!! THEY CAN DISH IT OUT BUT CAN’T TAKE IT!!
I have a dream for my own television show. Much like the weather channel, it will be dedicated to advertising the current age of all past, present, and even future employees of ET both on camera and behind the scenes. **
We really don’t need anyone to announce the exact age of anyone else. One’s age is almost always detectable within ten years. If you're ten years younger than I am, I consider you my age. Six months older, you're older. Five years older and I'll pretend you're old enough to be my mom.
Now everyone I work with is younger than I am. They range from 18 to . . . still less than me. Lisa, my first boss is younger. She knows my age and that really pisses me off because I never told her. Someone snooped my personnel records. ***
At least Lisa is sophisticated and less than 10 years younger than I am. But Lisa left the company. And who did she train to take her place as my new boss?
* I think it was her birthday, it was one of the women of ET, but because I hate them all for performing this cruel ritual daily, I confuse them, forgive me.
* * The behind the scenes people will have their photos on screen so every one can identify them.
*** See Chapter 10, Personnel Records and Other Incriminating Evidence for never ever letting this happen to you.
* * The behind the scenes people will have their photos on screen so every one can identify them.
*** See Chapter 10, Personnel Records and Other Incriminating Evidence for never ever letting this happen to you.
Lori! She doesn’t have her braces off yet, but she’s really cute!! I overheard Lisa talking to Lori and she said, “Friendships are based on your life experience. I have more in common with people much older than me. All my friends are in their thirties, forties and fifties.”
I was lulled into a momentary sense of security that I was still young by association. But jolted out of it by Lori’s response to Lisa, “My mom says I’m more mature than my age too.” The last time I said I was “more mature” I was 13.
At least Lori is a "Gap Kid" -- no make up, almost tomboyish, no one I envy. She does not present the picture of youth I feel pressured to emulate. By that I mean the child models in the fashion magazines with the perky boobs, born in the 90s. I almost wouldn't have trouble telling Lori my age, I really do like her. She's like a nie -- a cousin.
Lori never asked my age, thank God. But Lisa probably told her. It is difficult to keep your age a secret at work, especially if you are secretive about it. Just as someone whispering draws people's attention, “If you want to get someone’s attention, whisper.” (remember that commercial? You don't have to tell me) so does the age-secretive person draw people's attention to age.
Withholding your age is difficult but not impossible when you learn how to artfully Avoid, Dodge and Deflect. Armed with these skills you can even deal with others in the presence of those who you cannot hide from, your family.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)