CHAPTER 4: FAMILY: GROUNDS FOR FEUDS

CHAPTER 4: FAMILY: GROUNDS FOR FEUDS

Siblings

If someone asks you, “Who is older you or your sister/brother?” This is easy, “She/he is.” Just make sure you have a deal in advance with that sibling. For example, my younger* sister agrees to let me call her the older one but she is always the one who weighs less than me. Oddly enough I have absolutely no problem telling people how much I weigh.

*Barely

Parents

They give you away by their appearance alone. Keep conversations going about Tori Spellings dad. Or how you admire your mother for bearing children into her 50s. Create the illusion that your 70-80 year old parents just gave birth to you 20/25 years ago. It is possible. Bring up the recent news story about the sixty-something-year-old woman who gave birth, there is always one on the news. Then look lovingly at your mom.

If you have a thoughtless relative who inadvertently gives away your age, casually bring up in conversation later how sad it is that he/she is senile. **

** Regardless of his/her age

When I was 10, I used to paint with two of my friends after school. Both of them had younger, more stylish mothers with nice figures. My mother had six children and loves to eat. My friends used to say my mother was old fashioned and I would cry. They said they didn’t mean to be mean, it’s just that she didn’t wear makeup and all. But I always felt by old-fashioned they just meant old.

Last night I had a dream she died. I know people would ask, “How old was she?” Then they’d lose sympathy at hearing her age as if she lived long enough and deserved to die. If I outlive my mother and people ask me that question, and if I don’t smack them, I’ll ask what is their cutoff age for living? If I say she was 50, would that be sad but if she was 60 or 70 they would deem her to have lived long enough? Don't ever ask how old someone was when you hear another's loved one died, it is sad no matter what the age.