CHAPTER 15: CHILDREN: HELP OR HINDRANCE IN DENYING ONE’S AGE?

Readers with children will learn how to use adjectives cleverly in order to confuse others who are trying to ADD the age of the child in question, to the suspected age of the reader, at the estimated age the reader gave birth. For example, adjectives like, “the baby” or “toddler”* are helpful Deflections.

* Toddler is one of those great words: I was just a toddler! As an adjective, this can be used up until 16. It means a small child, but maybe you were small until the age of 16!

Children talking too much?

The first and obvious advice of this chapter is don’t tell your age to your children, they will tell anyone they talk to! The second piece of advice is have children when you are older. Why?

Because people have a built in age calculator. Children facilitate the calculator. I’ll explain. The average age of a woman on her wedding day is 27.5*. If you have a child, people will add the age of the child to 27.5. If a person knows you waited six years before having a child, they factor that into the equation too. But the child serves as a hard number in a sea of unknown variables.

But, good news, you can use your child to your advantage! As I said, just have the children when you are older. If it’s too late for that just refer to the child as your husband’s daughter. She is, after all. Then imply that your husband is much older than you. And voila, you are the young step mom! Think Michael Landon, Hugh Heffner, men who marry women younger than their own daughters. It may be obvious that your husband is not that much older than you but who cares! Only a total clod would question you about such a sensitive subject as your husband’s life before you.

An added assurance that no one will question you about that is to allow a look to glide over your face that tells your listener any further discussion on this will cause me to sob uncontrollably, fly into a rage or kill you.

Then as I will tell you many times, quickly get off the subject. But beware of sneaky secondary questions. Questions like, “How old were you when you got married? How old were you when you had the baby? Or they’ll ask talk about significant events hoping you’ll say something like, “Of course I remember when war was declared against Iraq, it was during my high school graduation ceremony!”

* I actually don’t know if that statistic is accurate, but it serves to make my point so I’m sticking to it.

Without children of your own, it is easy to pretend you’re younger than you are. For example, I do not have any children. Children give people a better way to calculate your age, by adding the age of the child to the approximate age you were when you got married (if the marriage was sudden). Throw in a year for the honeymoon year if the couple didn't know each other long before marriage. Or just add the age of the child to the estimated age the mother had the child, there are so many ways to figure that out. If you trust your child enough to reveal your age, you might as well put an ad in the paper with your age on; the child does not understand privacy until the early teens. You get the picture; we've all done it.

Much as I love children, this is something I appreciate about not having them. I have five brothers and sisters and four of them have children. My ten nieces and nephews range in age from newborn to – big! In fact I've started lying about their ages.