CHAPTER 1: LEARNING TO A.D.D. - - Avoid, Dodge and Deflect

My cousin* David is turning 27 this weekend and he is depressed about it. I know his pain. When I turned** 25, the awareness that I had left a coveted category was palpable. At a beach club some guys applauded as I took off my bikini cover up and invited me over to have a drink with them. I went and we talked and laughed, everything was going fine until they asked me how old I was. This was the last time I answered with ease. As I answered, “25,” I watched their faces drop because they thought they were picking up a younger babe. The conversation ended shortly thereafter and I proceeded to get smashed.

Why do people ask this question? Why do they need this information? As in this case at the beach club we were all perfectly happy without it and we were all unhappy with it. But this was a turning point for me. I have learned something very important.

And I will teach you.

The lesson you will learn is that it is really no one’s business and you have the right, nay, obligation, to Avoid, Dodge and Deflect (ADD). We’ll need to establish some working definitions so your brain will begin to become accustomed to going swiftly from one approach to the next.

Avoid - keep from happening.
Dodge - Move or shift quickly aside, evade by cunning, trickery or deceit.
Deflect - To turn aside or cause to turn aside; swerve

*With large families, age ranges can be troubling, ie. you have a nephew that is close in age to you so people might assume that you are old enough to be his/her parent. Learn that titles such as niece/nephew/aunt/uncle etc. are flexible and should be applied based on how old you would like to appear to your audience. In this case 20 or 30 something is fine with me.

** Turned is a good adjective. It implies something just happened. If someone asks your age you can say, “I turned 25.” No one has to know that happened five years ago.

One incident in particular provides an example of each technique.

While at work Clara said I shouldn't dye my hair until I have to, meaning when I begin to go gray. Acknowledging the fact that I did not have gray hair, she said she didn't have to dye her hair either when she was 25. This was a moment of bliss but I knew it was just a fleeting moment.

It was a bittersweet moment because I detected her curiosity; I felt the question coming. And, that is exactly what happened with Clara. Because quickly as I tried to Dodge it by leaving the area, she managed to get the question out. Like a deer in the headlights, the question caught me.
In the presence of a small crowd of colleagues, I'm hit with it: "How old are you anyway?"
My second response was a Deflection in the form of a joke. Sometimes that works but not this time.

Me: 55!! OK, bye.
Clara: No, really, how old are you?
Me: No, really, I don't want to tell you. (Avoidance)
Clara: You can tell me. She holds a folder up in front of her face to prevent the others around her from hearing my response. Why hasn't she been promoted?
Me: Next I try honesty. Clara, I'm extremely sensitive about it. (And you are the gossipiest secretary in the company, I didn't say that, just thought it)
Clara: I don't give a shit, I'm 38.

You don’t care if everyone knows your age? OK then, sorry I didn’t realize YOU didn’t care, how silly of me! Hey, I get it! If you tell everyone your age, then I should too, right? What else do you do? You smoke? Great, I will too! I was a vegetarian my whole life but since you eat meat . . . Why if you tell your age then everyone else should too! Why didn't I see that before? I’m . . . STILL NOT GOING TO TELL YOU!

Well, somehow, I pulled myself out of this one but now, everyone who witnessed it is doing some ADDing of his/her own: thinking about how old I am whether he or she wanted to or not.
And Clara has access to all the personnel binders. But I'm sure her integrity will prevent her from retrieving my binder and looking at the birth date on the cover. Yes, and her integrity will also prevent her from broadcasting my age to all the other people who begged to know my age. LA LA LA. . I can dream.

It's a painful art avoiding the question. The question itself is indicative of the outcome of the calculation. . How OLD are you? Not, how young are you? How many years have you been living? What is your physiological condition?

I'm in pretty good shape, I think I'd do well at that question. The question may as well be, “At what level of depreciation are you?”

Oh, you're a woman? You depreciation level is actually that, squared, due to the heavy emphasis on our appearance as compared to men.

And I am not the only one avoiding this question. I watched Cathy Griffin on the Roseanne Show a long time ago. I like her. She’s a pro at ADDing. But Roseanne didn’t give up, and Cathy was good. Cathy’s big mistake was saying that her boyfriend was younger. That was a red flag. Bate for Roseanne to ask Cathy’s age. First Roseanne asked how old her boyfriend is.

Cathy: “25.”
Roseanne: “And you’re.”
Cathy: “And I’m not!”

But the bitch had to ask how much older she was on National TV, my ultimate nightmare. Cathy Dodged this again, I forgot how. Roseanne, the classy, sensitive babe that she is missed Cathy’s signals that her age was something she was not comfortable announcing on national TV.

Finally she just came out and asked, “How old are you?”

Cathy said somewhere between heaven and hell or something like that. Then she quickly Deflected the question by saying, “Well you’re married to a younger man, (bonus statement next) no you’re not married anymore.”

This is normally an excellent deflection because it is usually easy to get people engrossed in their favorite subject, themselves.

Roseanne became very defensive and said, “Yes I am married.”

Cathy double-Dodged by quickly tying Roseanne’s defensiveness somehow, cleverly, and smoothly to Roseanne’s recent audience with the president.

We can learn from Cathy. She had the additional pressure of being on national television. She Avoided, she Dodged and Deflected. She took her deflection to the highest level of government!
Roseanne did get quite caught up in this topic and I really thought Cathy won this battle. She was fabulous, not only did she engage a narcissistic star in the perfectly distracting conversation, herself, but also she bombarded her with different images, took her down different paths, it wasn’t one attempt to change the subject but three! Still Roseanne came back to her inconsequential question and asked again, “How old are you?”

Cathy was trapped. She was astute enough to realize someone this relentless requires an answer, even if it is a lie. She came with props, prepared for this moment. Realizing the tabloids always get and print that bitter detail, Cathy picked one which she “happened” to have sitting near by and said, well let’s see, it says here, “The bubbly 32 year old…” and Cathy said, “OK.” So, clearly she carries around the paper with her youngest recorded age and uses it as a last resort. Cathy gets a star in this book.

Tabloid television shows such as “Entertainment Tonight” broadcast birthdays of the stars nightly. I’m sure the celebrities love this! For a while I thought perhaps the employees of Entertainment Tonight just didn’t have any hang-ups with their ages and that is why they thought nothing of making it a regular segment on their show. Until it was Julie Moran’s birthday. * On this day, they announced her birthday, sang happy birthday, but notably forgot to mention her age!! THEY CAN DISH IT OUT BUT CAN’T TAKE IT!!

I have a dream for my own television show. Much like the weather channel, it will be dedicated to advertising the current age of all past, present, and even future employees of ET both on camera and behind the scenes. **

We really don’t need anyone to announce the exact age of anyone else. One’s age is almost always detectable within ten years. If you're ten years younger than I am, I consider you my age. Six months older, you're older. Five years older and I'll pretend you're old enough to be my mom.

Now everyone I work with is younger than I am. They range from 18 to . . . still less than me. Lisa, my first boss is younger. She knows my age and that really pisses me off because I never told her. Someone snooped my personnel records. ***

At least Lisa is sophisticated and less than 10 years younger than I am. But Lisa left the company. And who did she train to take her place as my new boss?

* I think it was her birthday, it was one of the women of ET, but because I hate them all for performing this cruel ritual daily, I confuse them, forgive me.
* * The behind the scenes people will have their photos on screen so every one can identify them.
*** See Chapter 10, Personnel Records and Other Incriminating Evidence for never ever letting this happen to you.

Lori! She doesn’t have her braces off yet, but she’s really cute!! I overheard Lisa talking to Lori and she said, “Friendships are based on your life experience. I have more in common with people much older than me. All my friends are in their thirties, forties and fifties.”

I was lulled into a momentary sense of security that I was still young by association. But jolted out of it by Lori’s response to Lisa, “My mom says I’m more mature than my age too.” The last time I said I was “more mature” I was 13.

At least Lori is a "Gap Kid" -- no make up, almost tomboyish, no one I envy. She does not present the picture of youth I feel pressured to emulate. By that I mean the child models in the fashion magazines with the perky boobs, born in the 90s. I almost wouldn't have trouble telling Lori my age, I really do like her. She's like a nie -- a cousin.

Lori never asked my age, thank God. But Lisa probably told her. It is difficult to keep your age a secret at work, especially if you are secretive about it. Just as someone whispering draws people's attention, “If you want to get someone’s attention, whisper.” (remember that commercial? You don't have to tell me) so does the age-secretive person draw people's attention to age.

Withholding your age is difficult but not impossible when you learn how to artfully Avoid, Dodge and Deflect. Armed with these skills you can even deal with others in the presence of those who you cannot hide from, your family.