Remember when Kate Moss and Claudia Schiffer were hot new teen models? Now they’ve crossed the 25-year mark and have teen models of their own to envy! That’s comforting.
This chapter contains uplifting and inspirational thoughts like, “After we die, chances are our spiritual bodies won’t have wrinkles or require plastic surgery or change in any way, shape, or form by the forces of gravity.” (I hope)
You Were Born In the 1900’s?
This is a comfort that someday, even babies I know today will be asked this question incredulously by someone younger, born after the year 2000. And it reminds me that although people alive now have ages within a 100-year range, we’re all at least alive at the same time!
Like I remember watching the gorgeous Tia Carara (or some name like that, she was the hot band chick and love interest in the movie “Wayne’s World”) when questioned by a reporter about what she was doing when some significant event took place in 1977, saying, “I was a fetus.” At the time, I wanted to make her go away, but now I realize she’s already out of that tiny window of age comfort and cockiness. She’s probably well into cosmetic surgery procedures already. The point being, it’s comforting to watch other people’s years pass them by too, after yours have gone.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
CHAPTER 15: CHILDREN: HELP OR HINDRANCE IN DENYING ONE’S AGE?
Readers with children will learn how to use adjectives cleverly in order to confuse others who are trying to ADD the age of the child in question, to the suspected age of the reader, at the estimated age the reader gave birth. For example, adjectives like, “the baby” or “toddler”* are helpful Deflections.
* Toddler is one of those great words: I was just a toddler! As an adjective, this can be used up until 16. It means a small child, but maybe you were small until the age of 16!
Children talking too much?
The first and obvious advice of this chapter is don’t tell your age to your children, they will tell anyone they talk to! The second piece of advice is have children when you are older. Why?
Because people have a built in age calculator. Children facilitate the calculator. I’ll explain. The average age of a woman on her wedding day is 27.5*. If you have a child, people will add the age of the child to 27.5. If a person knows you waited six years before having a child, they factor that into the equation too. But the child serves as a hard number in a sea of unknown variables.
But, good news, you can use your child to your advantage! As I said, just have the children when you are older. If it’s too late for that just refer to the child as your husband’s daughter. She is, after all. Then imply that your husband is much older than you. And voila, you are the young step mom! Think Michael Landon, Hugh Heffner, men who marry women younger than their own daughters. It may be obvious that your husband is not that much older than you but who cares! Only a total clod would question you about such a sensitive subject as your husband’s life before you.
An added assurance that no one will question you about that is to allow a look to glide over your face that tells your listener any further discussion on this will cause me to sob uncontrollably, fly into a rage or kill you.
Then as I will tell you many times, quickly get off the subject. But beware of sneaky secondary questions. Questions like, “How old were you when you got married? How old were you when you had the baby? Or they’ll ask talk about significant events hoping you’ll say something like, “Of course I remember when war was declared against Iraq, it was during my high school graduation ceremony!”
* I actually don’t know if that statistic is accurate, but it serves to make my point so I’m sticking to it.
Without children of your own, it is easy to pretend you’re younger than you are. For example, I do not have any children. Children give people a better way to calculate your age, by adding the age of the child to the approximate age you were when you got married (if the marriage was sudden). Throw in a year for the honeymoon year if the couple didn't know each other long before marriage. Or just add the age of the child to the estimated age the mother had the child, there are so many ways to figure that out. If you trust your child enough to reveal your age, you might as well put an ad in the paper with your age on; the child does not understand privacy until the early teens. You get the picture; we've all done it.
Much as I love children, this is something I appreciate about not having them. I have five brothers and sisters and four of them have children. My ten nieces and nephews range in age from newborn to – big! In fact I've started lying about their ages.
* Toddler is one of those great words: I was just a toddler! As an adjective, this can be used up until 16. It means a small child, but maybe you were small until the age of 16!
Children talking too much?
The first and obvious advice of this chapter is don’t tell your age to your children, they will tell anyone they talk to! The second piece of advice is have children when you are older. Why?
Because people have a built in age calculator. Children facilitate the calculator. I’ll explain. The average age of a woman on her wedding day is 27.5*. If you have a child, people will add the age of the child to 27.5. If a person knows you waited six years before having a child, they factor that into the equation too. But the child serves as a hard number in a sea of unknown variables.
But, good news, you can use your child to your advantage! As I said, just have the children when you are older. If it’s too late for that just refer to the child as your husband’s daughter. She is, after all. Then imply that your husband is much older than you. And voila, you are the young step mom! Think Michael Landon, Hugh Heffner, men who marry women younger than their own daughters. It may be obvious that your husband is not that much older than you but who cares! Only a total clod would question you about such a sensitive subject as your husband’s life before you.
An added assurance that no one will question you about that is to allow a look to glide over your face that tells your listener any further discussion on this will cause me to sob uncontrollably, fly into a rage or kill you.
Then as I will tell you many times, quickly get off the subject. But beware of sneaky secondary questions. Questions like, “How old were you when you got married? How old were you when you had the baby? Or they’ll ask talk about significant events hoping you’ll say something like, “Of course I remember when war was declared against Iraq, it was during my high school graduation ceremony!”
* I actually don’t know if that statistic is accurate, but it serves to make my point so I’m sticking to it.
Without children of your own, it is easy to pretend you’re younger than you are. For example, I do not have any children. Children give people a better way to calculate your age, by adding the age of the child to the approximate age you were when you got married (if the marriage was sudden). Throw in a year for the honeymoon year if the couple didn't know each other long before marriage. Or just add the age of the child to the estimated age the mother had the child, there are so many ways to figure that out. If you trust your child enough to reveal your age, you might as well put an ad in the paper with your age on; the child does not understand privacy until the early teens. You get the picture; we've all done it.
Much as I love children, this is something I appreciate about not having them. I have five brothers and sisters and four of them have children. My ten nieces and nephews range in age from newborn to – big! In fact I've started lying about their ages.
CHAPTER 14: Tips, Q & A
Questions
Someone Asks you, “Could I ask you a question?”
You answer, “NO.”
Someone asks you what year did you graduate?
Answer whatever you’d like. I graduated college in 1997* so that one’s easy for me.
If they ask what year I graduated high school.
Answer, “You must have not graduated from anything if you can’t figure that out.”
That ought to shut the person up.
What if someone 14 years younger than you asks your age?
Say I’m like 10 years older than you!”
This tells the asshole person that you are 10 or less years older than him/her but really like just means like. Not exactly!!
*As I am sure you have determined I did not “exactly rush off”1 to college right after high school.
1. Good phrase for obvious reasons to you by now. Good grasshopper!
Situations
As I walked into a Victoria’s Secret store a saleswoman walked up to me and said, “Hello Maam.”
I walked out.
Be careful people will say your age doesn’t matter* but it will put you in a restrictive category in the person’s mind. For example, my friend Kellie who always liked Madonna said that she is starting to look old and tired. Coincidentally the day Kellie made this comment was Madonna’s 40th birthday.
* If it didn’t they wouldn’t ask.
If you were born on the first year of a new decade (1940, 50, 60, etc) take advantage. If a vague reference to your age will suffice* as an answer, you can say I was born in the 50s. This automatically gives you a few years breathing room. Ditto for year graduated.
*When not in the prescence of overly nosy people.
Tips
Find significant events that happened days before your birth, bring them up in conversation and say, “I wasn’t even born yet.”
Notice that none of my date entries include years? Exactly you shouldn’t either. No dates on your resume, reference letters you may use. They become timeless, like you.
When is it OK to ask people their age? When they will most likely answer you by holding up the number of fingers representing their age.
Someone Asks you, “Could I ask you a question?”
You answer, “NO.”
Someone asks you what year did you graduate?
Answer whatever you’d like. I graduated college in 1997* so that one’s easy for me.
If they ask what year I graduated high school.
Answer, “You must have not graduated from anything if you can’t figure that out.”
That ought to shut the person up.
What if someone 14 years younger than you asks your age?
Say I’m like 10 years older than you!”
This tells the asshole person that you are 10 or less years older than him/her but really like just means like. Not exactly!!
*As I am sure you have determined I did not “exactly rush off”1 to college right after high school.
1. Good phrase for obvious reasons to you by now. Good grasshopper!
Situations
As I walked into a Victoria’s Secret store a saleswoman walked up to me and said, “Hello Maam.”
I walked out.
Be careful people will say your age doesn’t matter* but it will put you in a restrictive category in the person’s mind. For example, my friend Kellie who always liked Madonna said that she is starting to look old and tired. Coincidentally the day Kellie made this comment was Madonna’s 40th birthday.
* If it didn’t they wouldn’t ask.
If you were born on the first year of a new decade (1940, 50, 60, etc) take advantage. If a vague reference to your age will suffice* as an answer, you can say I was born in the 50s. This automatically gives you a few years breathing room. Ditto for year graduated.
*When not in the prescence of overly nosy people.
Tips
Find significant events that happened days before your birth, bring them up in conversation and say, “I wasn’t even born yet.”
Notice that none of my date entries include years? Exactly you shouldn’t either. No dates on your resume, reference letters you may use. They become timeless, like you.
When is it OK to ask people their age? When they will most likely answer you by holding up the number of fingers representing their age.
CHAPTER 13: YOU TELL ME YOURS AND I WON'T TELL YOU MINE!
Clara told me her age, do I have to tell her mine? In a word, NO! This and other lopsided logic will be addressed in this chapter.
Barbara is my sister-in-law now. Barbara thinks she is entitled to know my age and expects me to answer each time she asks me. Barbara is wrong.
.
Barbara is my sister-in-law now. Barbara thinks she is entitled to know my age and expects me to answer each time she asks me. Barbara is wrong.
.
CHAPTER 12: THE PROOF OF IDENTITY DEBATE: DATE OF BIRTH VS. MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME?
If the only purpose of knowing your date of birth or mother’s maiden name is to prove you are who you are, I vote mother’s maiden name! Date of birth is important to get into a bar or AARP. But why else? I think it is just proof of identification.
CHAPTER 11: MONDAY MORNING WEEKEND RE-CAP CHAT
“What did you do this weekend?” This is a tricky question. The reader will learn to listen carefully to what younger colleagues did, take elements of what they actually did and save it for their own bag of tricks. For example, if colleagues say, “I went clubbing,” you say, “Me too.” They don’t have to know you went country clubbing.
Friday, July 17, 2009
CHAPTER 10: PERSONNEL RECORDS AND OTHER INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE
This chapter focuses on dealing with others who have access to any piece of paper with a “DOB” line on it. Can you have access to these papers without getting arrested? This chapter addresses the possibilities of ripping out the date of birth when you have the chance. If the personnel manager is indiscriminate, do you kill her to ensure your privacy? These and other questions will be answered.
My Personnel Binder has my date of birth in it. I’ve had so many jobs and schools, traffic incidents, credit applications, stupid surveys, license plates, any form I ever filled out, I felt a moral obligation to fill in my true date of birth. And then I met Oona. God I love her. When friendships like this happen I think maybe there is an element of fate to life.
Let me explain. She feels no obligation to give the exact year. She taught me tricks. Make the last number difficult to decipher. Is that 1979 or 7? 1973 or 8? Get it? She believes if people are rude enough to ask, it is perfectly OK to lie. As long as you are not saying you are 17 when applying to be a stripper, you’re fine. As long as you are not signing up for a gym membership claiming to be 28, when you are actually 59, you are OK. As long as you are not harming yourself or others, it is no ones business.
See, Oona’s dad shares my pain. When Oona was as young as 13, she had to tell others she was 10 or less to decrease the inevitable calculation immediately made on her father’s age. He knows.
When I started in my big company I was just a child. * I gladly documented my age on the first page, and would make everyone laugh when people had their work anniversary parties and I’d say, “You’ve been here longer than I’ve been alive!” It happened twice, and then I shut up.
* Again, one of those fabulous, subjective words. I’ll remain child-like until my death to maintain the ability to use this adjective.
There have been so many incidents when I knew people snooped to find out how old I was men and women. There was a male boss who comes to mind. He was describing how there was another colleague of mine who is actually younger than he appeared. He was right, I definitely thought he was at least ten years older.
I knew he bothered to look in my personnel binder to obtain my age because,
A - I told no one my age and
B - he said, “Bill may be younger than you.”
Bill is one year younger than I am! Yes, that could just be a guess, but there were other occasions when this guy referred to people 15 years younger than him as my age, and I am exactly 15 years younger than he is.
My Personnel Binder has my date of birth in it. I’ve had so many jobs and schools, traffic incidents, credit applications, stupid surveys, license plates, any form I ever filled out, I felt a moral obligation to fill in my true date of birth. And then I met Oona. God I love her. When friendships like this happen I think maybe there is an element of fate to life.
Let me explain. She feels no obligation to give the exact year. She taught me tricks. Make the last number difficult to decipher. Is that 1979 or 7? 1973 or 8? Get it? She believes if people are rude enough to ask, it is perfectly OK to lie. As long as you are not saying you are 17 when applying to be a stripper, you’re fine. As long as you are not signing up for a gym membership claiming to be 28, when you are actually 59, you are OK. As long as you are not harming yourself or others, it is no ones business.
See, Oona’s dad shares my pain. When Oona was as young as 13, she had to tell others she was 10 or less to decrease the inevitable calculation immediately made on her father’s age. He knows.
When I started in my big company I was just a child. * I gladly documented my age on the first page, and would make everyone laugh when people had their work anniversary parties and I’d say, “You’ve been here longer than I’ve been alive!” It happened twice, and then I shut up.
* Again, one of those fabulous, subjective words. I’ll remain child-like until my death to maintain the ability to use this adjective.
There have been so many incidents when I knew people snooped to find out how old I was men and women. There was a male boss who comes to mind. He was describing how there was another colleague of mine who is actually younger than he appeared. He was right, I definitely thought he was at least ten years older.
I knew he bothered to look in my personnel binder to obtain my age because,
A - I told no one my age and
B - he said, “Bill may be younger than you.”
Bill is one year younger than I am! Yes, that could just be a guess, but there were other occasions when this guy referred to people 15 years younger than him as my age, and I am exactly 15 years younger than he is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)