This is a dangerous situation. Readers will learn how to Avoid, Dodge and Deflect when others are making references to things you remember but pretend not to. For example, when someone asks, "Remember the episode of Saturday Night Live when Chevy Chase . . ."* smile politely, appear to strain to figure out who Chevy Chase is and say something like, "Do you mean Mike Meyers?" They will think you are too young to have stayed up that late, or better yet, you weren't even born!
* I only know Chevy Chase because I watch “Saturday Night Live” re-runs of the Chevy Chase episodes on the comedy channel.
Even people that feel the need to constantly remind others of their age make me uncomfortable. I forgot her name, but someone I worked briefly with, her name may have been Cathy, was one to do that.
"Let's see, I can get the retirement offer if I wait how many years? I had my daughter at 40, she's 5 now, that makes me 45, so in ten years I can leave the company with benefits."
Did she have to say all that out loud? At times like this I turn red, change the subject or say, "My mom just left the company and she received a nice financial package, even though she only worked in the company 15 years."* My mom quit in four years before, but "just" is such a relative word.
*The fact that she worked in the company for only 15 years is great! She could be 40 for all anyone knows.
So for the kindred spirit out there, maybe it won't stop anyone from asking this godforsaken question, maybe it will even make more people ask. Yes, when referring to this book, some idiot will think he or she is funny by going on and on about their age, your age, aging in general. The person will emphasize how cool they are with aging, not realizing, you could care less how she feels about it.* But now, at least they will know that they are idiots. In fact, some of them may be close relatives and friends. Some may themselves be sensitive about their age.
* Even worse if the idiot is a he.
It won't stop them, and it certainly won't stop time. It may simply let you know you're not alone. Then there is our sick system of denial. We try to pretend getting older is great. How often have you heard or said these things:
"My husband says I have more character in my face now that I'm older." (Actually, I believed this one, the woman is in her mid forties and I know her husband and I believe he really means it)
"I admire older people." (as long as I'm not there yet)
"I'm more comfortable with my body at 50 then I've ever been in my life." (of course it cost a fortune to feel that way what with therapy and extensive plastic surgery)
This is bullshit! Getting older sucks. But don't get me wrong, I'm all for having a
good attitude about getting older, it is, after all, all we have. Let's just acknowledge the loss.
Friday, July 17, 2009
CHAPTER 7: IS YOUR ACTUAL DATE OF BIRTH NECESSARY?
This chapter is dedicated to knowing when the truth is necessary, if it is “need-to-know” information. Usually date of birth is an I need to know and you don’t piece of information. Forms which “require” this information are job applications, driver license forms, health and automobile insurance, prescriptions, etc. This is the time to write your numbers sloppy or to say, “I don’t have my drivers license.”
Oona did this when she was asked for a photo copy of her drivers license when beginning work. God I admire her. She learned from her father who frequently had her and her sister lie about their ages as toddlers* to make him appear younger. Oona, who actually is not terribly concerned with her age, hiding it is more of a favorite pastime she shared with her father. Still, if you look her up, you can't find her age! And I think she has her driver's license, which is the source of all the date of birth web postings out there - - one more reason to hate the DMV.
* A valuable word. See page 30 for more details.
I took a defensive driving course today. I was the youngest one in the class (bliss). There were forms to fill out for this class and you know what information is on the drivers license, right on the fuckin front of the drivers license -- DOB. Why must they know that? Why, Why, Why?? Couldn't we just be in 10 year, even five-year categories? (and let us select the ranges, i.e. if you are 34, your range would be 18-34) Thank God the motor vehicle employees privy to this information are bureaucrats who don't care about our ages - - or us. And thank God I don't personally know any of them.
Throughout the half-day class I planned how to fill out that one line of the form. Wait for a break? In the lady's room stall? Well I waited till everyone left the room on a break and that's when I did it, now I just had to hide it. As I was walking out someone left hers right on top of the table: DOB 1949! How could she? Maybe it IS just me!
But the humiliation that day didn't end with the DOB question. No, in addition to the day, month and year of my birth, I had to put myself into a category. There were categories to choose from and only one to be in gracefully. Years and description such as young, middle aged or old labeled the categories! Dammit!! And who decides what is young, old or somewhere in between? I think I'd have a problem categorizing myself as an old driver because I was 55. With my date of birth right above it, I could not lie. Is this questions sole purpose just to be cruel? Who makes up these categories?
Depending on experts I listened to or what I read over the past ten years I have been in the following categories simultaneously:
Baby boomer*
Generation X
Young adult
Middle aged **
* How long did this boom go on? Didn’t this originally mean a bunch of horny soldiers came back from World War two in the mid to late 1940s and had sex a lot and therefore babies? I would imagine that lasted for a week or two, not 20 to 30 years!! LET IT GO historians.
**Some prominent sociologists/psychologistS/experts I still have ten years before I hit middle age. I really like those experts. They base middle age on whether you have children and other variables not necessarily directly connected to exactly how many years you have lived.
Oona did this when she was asked for a photo copy of her drivers license when beginning work. God I admire her. She learned from her father who frequently had her and her sister lie about their ages as toddlers* to make him appear younger. Oona, who actually is not terribly concerned with her age, hiding it is more of a favorite pastime she shared with her father. Still, if you look her up, you can't find her age! And I think she has her driver's license, which is the source of all the date of birth web postings out there - - one more reason to hate the DMV.
* A valuable word. See page 30 for more details.
I took a defensive driving course today. I was the youngest one in the class (bliss). There were forms to fill out for this class and you know what information is on the drivers license, right on the fuckin front of the drivers license -- DOB. Why must they know that? Why, Why, Why?? Couldn't we just be in 10 year, even five-year categories? (and let us select the ranges, i.e. if you are 34, your range would be 18-34) Thank God the motor vehicle employees privy to this information are bureaucrats who don't care about our ages - - or us. And thank God I don't personally know any of them.
Throughout the half-day class I planned how to fill out that one line of the form. Wait for a break? In the lady's room stall? Well I waited till everyone left the room on a break and that's when I did it, now I just had to hide it. As I was walking out someone left hers right on top of the table: DOB 1949! How could she? Maybe it IS just me!
But the humiliation that day didn't end with the DOB question. No, in addition to the day, month and year of my birth, I had to put myself into a category. There were categories to choose from and only one to be in gracefully. Years and description such as young, middle aged or old labeled the categories! Dammit!! And who decides what is young, old or somewhere in between? I think I'd have a problem categorizing myself as an old driver because I was 55. With my date of birth right above it, I could not lie. Is this questions sole purpose just to be cruel? Who makes up these categories?
Depending on experts I listened to or what I read over the past ten years I have been in the following categories simultaneously:
Baby boomer*
Generation X
Young adult
Middle aged **
* How long did this boom go on? Didn’t this originally mean a bunch of horny soldiers came back from World War two in the mid to late 1940s and had sex a lot and therefore babies? I would imagine that lasted for a week or two, not 20 to 30 years!! LET IT GO historians.
**Some prominent sociologists/psychologistS/experts I still have ten years before I hit middle age. I really like those experts. They base middle age on whether you have children and other variables not necessarily directly connected to exactly how many years you have lived.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
CHAPTER 6: LET’S CELEBRATE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!
Do you have someone in your office who feels the need to celebrate every employee’s birthday in order to keep morale up? I’ll bet it’s the same person responsible for employee morale at the post office. Black balloons with your age on them, signs that say “you’re 30, 40, 50 etc.” Who thinks this is fun to the birthday girl or boy? Who?
This chapter is dedicated to predicting if you’ll encounter this joyous surprise party, how to Avoid it, when to confront the party planner directly and how to determine whether you have an office free of people who will inevitably ask, “How old are you today?” That is, if the planner hasn’t already announced it to the world. *
* See the section of the book dedicated to finding places of employment where you will always be the youngest.
Once, someone had a birthday party for a 23-year-old guy who was upset by it because he didn’t want anyone to know how young he is. I was already beginning my mid-life crisis by 23! However, it was comforting to realize that some people find advancing age to be a source of pride.
In any case, when you start a job, determine who the birthday planner is. Start conversations with gregarious secretaries, the football pool guy, or anyone who doesn't have much work to do. You will recognize that person by all the complaining they do about how much work they have to do. Anyway, annoying or not, once you find that person, befriend them and after a while let them know in no uncertain terms that you don't want to celebrate your birthday at work. If the person is excessively stubborn, mention some obscure religion that you ascribe to and how birthday parties could result in your death by public stoning.
This chapter is dedicated to predicting if you’ll encounter this joyous surprise party, how to Avoid it, when to confront the party planner directly and how to determine whether you have an office free of people who will inevitably ask, “How old are you today?” That is, if the planner hasn’t already announced it to the world. *
* See the section of the book dedicated to finding places of employment where you will always be the youngest.
Once, someone had a birthday party for a 23-year-old guy who was upset by it because he didn’t want anyone to know how young he is. I was already beginning my mid-life crisis by 23! However, it was comforting to realize that some people find advancing age to be a source of pride.
In any case, when you start a job, determine who the birthday planner is. Start conversations with gregarious secretaries, the football pool guy, or anyone who doesn't have much work to do. You will recognize that person by all the complaining they do about how much work they have to do. Anyway, annoying or not, once you find that person, befriend them and after a while let them know in no uncertain terms that you don't want to celebrate your birthday at work. If the person is excessively stubborn, mention some obscure religion that you ascribe to and how birthday parties could result in your death by public stoning.
Chapter 5: DANGER POINTS
Getting engaged sparked alot of age related questions. How long have you two been together? When are you getting married? Are you going to have children. If I said I don't know, they'd say, well how old are you? To which I'd say why do you ask? Because you're not getting any younger.
To which I'd love to say (fuck you), "I'm not? Oh no! Why I thought I was. Don't get me wrong, I knew you and everyone else in the world was getting older, but me? NO! Thank God you were here to tell me. And in front of so many people, in case I forget, I'll have them to remind me now. And now they can finish your job of finding out how old I am in days to come, now that you have brought it to their attention. Now what will I do? How many more years will I be able to bear children oh wise one? Oh thank you for telling me I'm not getting any younger, I'm so glad you brought up the whole subject of my age. Let me guess, I bet you'd tell me your age, right? Then it's only fair that I tell you mine, because if you are comfortable with your age then so am I!
When I got the ring I wasn't sure I'd actually marry the guy, and that was a source of another type of inquisition. People would look more intently at me, studying my face for age. The semi polite ones would ask how old my fiancé was. I'd shave off a few years from his age knowing that the slick sleuths would next ask if he was older or younger than me. He is a few years older, but I wouldn't tell them that. I'd simply say, "he's older, I have to run", and run I did.
If they caught me with the question before my escape, my basic plan of avoidance was
· Humor
· Old enough/not old enough to get married
· Still in my child-bearing years
· Probably older than you (regardless of their age)
· 29
· 59
Finally, just run away if possible.
This incident was accidental. But prepare yourself before entering a group, class, party, etc. where age can become a significant factor and therefore a topic of discussion.
Now you must prepare yourself for events such as a financial planning seminar for example. I was in one recently* and a woman in it talked happily about retiring and about the fact that she was close to turning 60. We were in this seminar for a few hours but she volunteered her age almost immediately. I was the youngest one there but I still wouldn't divulge such personal information in public. In fact the others in the seminar joked about my "youth". I learned that day that I couldn't get money out of my IRA until I was 59 years old. My reaction prompted a woman in the group to say, "You can tell she's so far away from 59 by her reaction." After a moment of glee, I prayed no one would ask. So even suggestions of how young one is create anxiety in the true age-o-phoebe.
* Recently is a good word to use instead of a specific date. Depending on who you are and what your frame of reference is recently could mean yesterday, a few years ago, or 3,000 years ago
To which I'd love to say (fuck you), "I'm not? Oh no! Why I thought I was. Don't get me wrong, I knew you and everyone else in the world was getting older, but me? NO! Thank God you were here to tell me. And in front of so many people, in case I forget, I'll have them to remind me now. And now they can finish your job of finding out how old I am in days to come, now that you have brought it to their attention. Now what will I do? How many more years will I be able to bear children oh wise one? Oh thank you for telling me I'm not getting any younger, I'm so glad you brought up the whole subject of my age. Let me guess, I bet you'd tell me your age, right? Then it's only fair that I tell you mine, because if you are comfortable with your age then so am I!
When I got the ring I wasn't sure I'd actually marry the guy, and that was a source of another type of inquisition. People would look more intently at me, studying my face for age. The semi polite ones would ask how old my fiancé was. I'd shave off a few years from his age knowing that the slick sleuths would next ask if he was older or younger than me. He is a few years older, but I wouldn't tell them that. I'd simply say, "he's older, I have to run", and run I did.
If they caught me with the question before my escape, my basic plan of avoidance was
· Humor
· Old enough/not old enough to get married
· Still in my child-bearing years
· Probably older than you (regardless of their age)
· 29
· 59
Finally, just run away if possible.
This incident was accidental. But prepare yourself before entering a group, class, party, etc. where age can become a significant factor and therefore a topic of discussion.
Now you must prepare yourself for events such as a financial planning seminar for example. I was in one recently* and a woman in it talked happily about retiring and about the fact that she was close to turning 60. We were in this seminar for a few hours but she volunteered her age almost immediately. I was the youngest one there but I still wouldn't divulge such personal information in public. In fact the others in the seminar joked about my "youth". I learned that day that I couldn't get money out of my IRA until I was 59 years old. My reaction prompted a woman in the group to say, "You can tell she's so far away from 59 by her reaction." After a moment of glee, I prayed no one would ask. So even suggestions of how young one is create anxiety in the true age-o-phoebe.
* Recently is a good word to use instead of a specific date. Depending on who you are and what your frame of reference is recently could mean yesterday, a few years ago, or 3,000 years ago
CHAPTER 4: FAMILY: GROUNDS FOR FEUDS
CHAPTER 4: FAMILY: GROUNDS FOR FEUDS
Siblings
If someone asks you, “Who is older you or your sister/brother?” This is easy, “She/he is.” Just make sure you have a deal in advance with that sibling. For example, my younger* sister agrees to let me call her the older one but she is always the one who weighs less than me. Oddly enough I have absolutely no problem telling people how much I weigh.
*Barely
Parents
They give you away by their appearance alone. Keep conversations going about Tori Spellings dad. Or how you admire your mother for bearing children into her 50s. Create the illusion that your 70-80 year old parents just gave birth to you 20/25 years ago. It is possible. Bring up the recent news story about the sixty-something-year-old woman who gave birth, there is always one on the news. Then look lovingly at your mom.
If you have a thoughtless relative who inadvertently gives away your age, casually bring up in conversation later how sad it is that he/she is senile. **
** Regardless of his/her age
When I was 10, I used to paint with two of my friends after school. Both of them had younger, more stylish mothers with nice figures. My mother had six children and loves to eat. My friends used to say my mother was old fashioned and I would cry. They said they didn’t mean to be mean, it’s just that she didn’t wear makeup and all. But I always felt by old-fashioned they just meant old.
Last night I had a dream she died. I know people would ask, “How old was she?” Then they’d lose sympathy at hearing her age as if she lived long enough and deserved to die. If I outlive my mother and people ask me that question, and if I don’t smack them, I’ll ask what is their cutoff age for living? If I say she was 50, would that be sad but if she was 60 or 70 they would deem her to have lived long enough? Don't ever ask how old someone was when you hear another's loved one died, it is sad no matter what the age.
Siblings
If someone asks you, “Who is older you or your sister/brother?” This is easy, “She/he is.” Just make sure you have a deal in advance with that sibling. For example, my younger* sister agrees to let me call her the older one but she is always the one who weighs less than me. Oddly enough I have absolutely no problem telling people how much I weigh.
*Barely
Parents
They give you away by their appearance alone. Keep conversations going about Tori Spellings dad. Or how you admire your mother for bearing children into her 50s. Create the illusion that your 70-80 year old parents just gave birth to you 20/25 years ago. It is possible. Bring up the recent news story about the sixty-something-year-old woman who gave birth, there is always one on the news. Then look lovingly at your mom.
If you have a thoughtless relative who inadvertently gives away your age, casually bring up in conversation later how sad it is that he/she is senile. **
** Regardless of his/her age
When I was 10, I used to paint with two of my friends after school. Both of them had younger, more stylish mothers with nice figures. My mother had six children and loves to eat. My friends used to say my mother was old fashioned and I would cry. They said they didn’t mean to be mean, it’s just that she didn’t wear makeup and all. But I always felt by old-fashioned they just meant old.
Last night I had a dream she died. I know people would ask, “How old was she?” Then they’d lose sympathy at hearing her age as if she lived long enough and deserved to die. If I outlive my mother and people ask me that question, and if I don’t smack them, I’ll ask what is their cutoff age for living? If I say she was 50, would that be sad but if she was 60 or 70 they would deem her to have lived long enough? Don't ever ask how old someone was when you hear another's loved one died, it is sad no matter what the age.
CHAPTER 3: NIECES AND NEPHEWS: WHEN TO START CALLING THEM COUSINS
CHAPTER 3: NIECES AND NEPHEWS: WHEN TO START CALLING THEM COUSINS
Discussions about the family get tricky as loving aunts and uncles want to talk about their precious nieces and nephews. But what do you do when quality time with the cherubs include activities which require the tot to have a drivers license?
Yesterday was successful. I blended with the 20 something’s and had no desire to sit outside with the 50 something parents. It was effortless. There was one tense moment when one of the twenty something’s said she worked at a college fair. Spontaneously I blurted out, “That’s great, I need college information for my nie – - cousin.” It was a close call. Why did my brother have to have children so young? He couldn’t be one of the baby boomers having their first child at 50.
Saying I needed information about colleges was not a total lie, and I am not comfortable completely lying. I do have a cousin who never finished college, and I could have gotten information for her. And I discovered recently that my father has a forty-year-old cousin. If she had children she could conceivably have one child beginning to consider what colleges to go to. And that child would be my second cousin.
Discussions about the family get tricky as loving aunts and uncles want to talk about their precious nieces and nephews. But what do you do when quality time with the cherubs include activities which require the tot to have a drivers license?
Yesterday was successful. I blended with the 20 something’s and had no desire to sit outside with the 50 something parents. It was effortless. There was one tense moment when one of the twenty something’s said she worked at a college fair. Spontaneously I blurted out, “That’s great, I need college information for my nie – - cousin.” It was a close call. Why did my brother have to have children so young? He couldn’t be one of the baby boomers having their first child at 50.
Saying I needed information about colleges was not a total lie, and I am not comfortable completely lying. I do have a cousin who never finished college, and I could have gotten information for her. And I discovered recently that my father has a forty-year-old cousin. If she had children she could conceivably have one child beginning to consider what colleges to go to. And that child would be my second cousin.
Monday, July 13, 2009
CHAPTER 2: DO YOU REMEMBER?
This is fun when talking to older relatives in a family-only environment. But when friends and lovers are around – Red Flag! Readers will learn how to Avoid these conversations when friends and lovers meet the family. They will learn how to Deflect this question by saying, “Better yet, do you remember when George Bush was president? Does my hair look bushy today? Let me go check!”
Dodge this by learning. This chapter will provide assistance to craftily respond to the “do you remember” questions.
October 16, 19--. .*. Today was a good day. I was able to look quizzically at Jim, who while he was referencing an episode of “The Avengers”. Because of my expression he knew the show was before my time and said so. But this expression and reaction is just fine for memories you DO have too. But be careful not to simply seem senile.
* Get in the habit of not dating events in your life except in a diary that only you will see. This prevents the possibility of people piecing together how old you are.
Time stands still at a moment like this. Jim is 20 or 30 years older than me. He says things like, “I remember when I was young and ambitious.” You really can fool people by being secretive about your age. Enjoy the flattering moment but be careful, it usually leads to an inquiry about your age if it can be detected by your expression that the person is off in their assessment of your age.
Dodge this by learning. This chapter will provide assistance to craftily respond to the “do you remember” questions.
October 16, 19--. .*. Today was a good day. I was able to look quizzically at Jim, who while he was referencing an episode of “The Avengers”. Because of my expression he knew the show was before my time and said so. But this expression and reaction is just fine for memories you DO have too. But be careful not to simply seem senile.
* Get in the habit of not dating events in your life except in a diary that only you will see. This prevents the possibility of people piecing together how old you are.
Time stands still at a moment like this. Jim is 20 or 30 years older than me. He says things like, “I remember when I was young and ambitious.” You really can fool people by being secretive about your age. Enjoy the flattering moment but be careful, it usually leads to an inquiry about your age if it can be detected by your expression that the person is off in their assessment of your age.
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